Bob Payne - BobCarriesOn

November 22, 2012November 26, 2012

Five top Black Friday travel gifts for when the romance is over

When you think of travel you often think of romance, especially if you are without a social life at home. But with the stress of enforced closeness, travel can often be the end of romance, too. That’s why some of this year’s top Black Friday travel gift ideas mean never having to say, “I’ll wait for you at the bar.”

No need to initial this

You’ve seen the bridges around the world that couples new to their romance decorate with padlocks inscribed with two sets of initials? The locks are meant to depict a condition of the heart that is forever. But if it is forever you want to be untethered from, give the gift of a lock set that allows you to attach one end of an 18-inch length of high-tensile steel chain to the bridge and the other to a shackle that locks snugly around your former sweetheart’s ankle.

Almost as good as a strip search

Every traveler knows by now that you can’t get through airport security carrying bottles with a capacity of more than 3.4 oz. What almost no one but TSA agents can tell, however, is the difference between 3.4 and 4 ounces. The gift of a set of the larger size containers means that the one you loved will probably have the difference demonstrated to them during a cavity search while you go happily on your way. An optional upgrade is an extra bottle containing a suspicious white powder you can unobtrusively drop into his or her shoes just before the plastic bin containing them goes through the scanner.

His and hers (but not for long) sleeping bags

After having found ways to avoid it for years, you’re headed for that Alaska back-country fly fishing trip he’s always dreamed of despite your often wondering aloud why anyone would want to fish for something they could more easily dispatch with a fly swatter. To show where your heart is you surprise him with his and her sleeping bags. Yours is waterproof and guaranteed to keep you warm down to minus 20 degrees centigrade. His is dipped in bear attractant.

Who said anything about a hot tub?

It takes months to score a table at An Arm & A Leg, one of the few restaurants in the world where cannibalism is still part of the dining experience. But you’ve finally managed it, even figuring out how to measure him for a pot without his catching on, and now that special evening is here. As you take your time getting ready in the same leisurely manner that has made him so impatient for so long, he says, as you knew he would, that he’ll go on ahead, and wait for you at the bar. Not a head for long, you think, not an arm, not a leg, either.

Because the shark diving position had already been filled, again

When you both know the romance is gone, but both consider yourselves rational adults, the best way to end it can be with one final special trip together. Ideal for this is travel to a remote atoll in the far reaches of the South Pacific. And if you offer to take care of everything how can she be anything but forever grateful? Even during the years as a coconut husker she arrived on the atoll to discover you had contracted her out for.

November 20, 2012November 26, 2012

In Dominican Republic, beer wears a wedding dress

When traveling, one of the pleasures of trying to translate local expressions into English is that the results sometimes turn otherwise ordinary words into poetry. For instance, in Costa Rica (and some other Spanish-speaking countries) palomita, a word for popcorn, translates literally as “little doves,” which may be the most romantic way ever of describing popped kernels. And in the Dominican Republic, la Bandera not only means “the flag,” as travel writer Bob Payne discovered on a recent trip to Puerto Plata while on assignment for Endless Vacation magazine, but also describes a dish of chicken, rice and beans, because it is served so pervasively that it is as much a national symbol as the Dominican flag.

Payne’s favorite new expression, though, and one he will from now on bring up whenever the beauty of language is discussed, especially if the discussion takes place over beers, is “con la vestida de novia.” It’s what the Dominicans say when you want your beer ice cold, as you almost always do in hot countries, and it translates into English as “With the wedding dress,” a reference, as Payne points out in his Endless Vacation story, to the bottle’s frosty coating.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne, who writes in tandem about destination weddings and beer more often than you might think, is the editor in chief of BobCarriesOn.com, a travel blog that has been sharing accurate travel news and advice since before Columbus landed at Plymouth Rock. His Endless Vacation piece in the Winter 2012 issue.

Among other places to read about Payne’s travels in the Dominican Republic are his on-location look at kite boarding for Endless Vacation and in the September/October 2003 Islands magazine.

November 17, 2012November 26, 2012

Twinkies demise could cause collapse of U.S. Space Program

The announcement this week that the production of Hostess Twinkies may soon cease has far-reaching implications that could signal the permanent end of the U.S. Space Program, and possibly life as we know it in the U.S.

“The program was teetering on the edge of collapse as it was,” said America’s chief rocket scientist, Bob Payne. “But faced with the prospect of having to invest the billions it might take to develop another food whose 30-year shelf life could sustain mission crews on even the lengthiest journeys, space exploration is not likely to survive.”

The situation is so grave the Obama administration is considering a bailout of Hostess Brands, which also produces Ding Dong’s, Ho Ho’s, and Wonder Bread. And support for the plan seems to be coming from both sides of the political aisle.

“This isn’t Detroit, or Wall Street,” said former republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “This is a crisis that affects all Americans, but especially those who after having their taxes raised under a Democratic administration can still dream of being among the first tourists in space.”

In related news, mothers across the nation warned that if Hostess Brands ceased production the fabric of the American family might be torn beyond repair.

Bob Payne, spokesperson for the lobbying group, Mothers Who Deserve Still More Time for Themselves, said that for decades mothers have prepared school lunches with the expectation that if a child came home with an uneaten Wonder Bread sandwich the sandwich would be equally nutritious on any day for the remainder of the child’s school career.

“Now what are the mothers supposed to do, make a sandwich each and every day of the school year?” asked Payne. “Not unless you want them abandoning their families to sign up for the Space Program.”

Travel humor writer Bob Payne served as the chief astronaut aboard Apollo 18.

November 15, 2012November 25, 2012

As Iceland mulls name change, other nations dream of following suit

Perhaps they are concerned that their island nation has an overly icy image. Or perhaps they have a lot of time on their hands, especially through the long northern winters. But an Icelandic tourism agency is soliciting new names for the country that apparently remains a thousand years miffed that their original search software did not come up with Greenland.

You can see some of the names — Geyserland, Niceland, Financial Insolvency Land — on the agency’s Inspired by Iceland website, although agency spokesman Bob Payne said that due to a technical problem one of the leading candidates, OMGWTFLAND, which is believed to come from the ancient Icelandic language, did not appear.

“The computers had some trouble translating it, although the consensus seems to be that it means, “Man’s Best Friend On A First Date Is A Hot Spring Land,” said Payne.

Payne said that suggestions for new names have been coming in from all over the world, and that a surprising number of people wanted to know how they could do the same for their country.

“The prime minister of Canada has called twice,” Payne said.

According to e-mail tallies, about half a dozen countries seemed the most keen on a name change. They included:

Bosnia & Herzegovina

Although often remembered for the bloody civil war that followed the breakup of Yugoslavia in 1992, Bosnia & Herzegovina has a mountain landscape and a deep-rooted culture that draw many admiring visitors. Tourism developers would like to take advantage of that, perhaps using a theme-park model that might be reflected in the current favorite choice for a new name: Disney & Herzegovina

Chad

Among the world’s poorest and most corrupt nations, the Republic of Chad, with neighbors like Libya and Sudan and coups happening only slightly less frequently than soccer games, is about as lawless as a country can be and still have a nominally functioning government. President Idriss Derby, who e-mailed Iceland’s Bob Payne so often that a spam-filter had to be set up to block him, would like, though, to bring some order to things, and believes a good way to begin would be a name change putting miscreants on notice that they would no longer be tolerated in: Hanging Chad.

Andorra

As one of the smallest of European nations, necessitating such a miniaturization of everything that tourists naturally say, “Awe, how cute,” the financially savvy business interests of Andorra see no reason not to profit from that by changing their country’s name to Andorrable.

Turkey

Many countries around the world feel they have been shackled with a two-name label — Bosnia & Herzegovina, St. Kitts & Nevis, Antigua & Barbuda, Sao Tome & Principe, Great Britain. But Turkey, long having to go it alone against any number of outside adversaries, chief among them the troublemakers who so aggressively insist that a shot-size cup, filled with a dark sludge of grounds and topped with a dozen or so spoons of sugar, is not Turkish coffee but Greek coffee, feels differently. For centuries, they have dreamed of a name that requires an ampersand. Which is why to a nation who sees themselves as having a much more sophisticated palate than their Aegean neighbor, the popular choice is Turkey & Cheese.

The Congo

Another troubled African nation, The Republic of The Congo would especially welcome a name change, not only to help differentiate it from its neighbor, The Democratic Republic of the Congo, but to let potential visitors know that it is a nation of people who despite past violence do like to party. That’s why they think that even though the spelling is a slight variant of the original Cuban, the perfect choice for them would be The Congo Line.

Canada

Forget about blending their vowel sounds, or sewing Canadian flags to their backpacks, or saying sorry during just about any interaction that doesn’t involve hockey. What do these neighbors to the north of the U.S. really wish the name of their nation to be? The United States. Eh?

When he is not working on marketing campaigns for Iceland, which have won awards for their lukewarmness, humor travel writer Bob Payne is the editor in chief of BobCarriesOn.com.

November 9, 2012November 22, 2012

Six places to swim with crocodiles, just before you die

Of all the possible travel experiences, one of the most under-reported is swimming with crocodiles.

But a new study by the University of Phoenix Graduate School for Crocodile Research shows that the number is far larger than previously thought.

“In the past, data was hard to get because people who go in for that kind of thing usually don’t talk about it later, as they are so often deceased,” said the school’s Acting Director, Bob Payne.

But Payne said that with new information-gathering technology the picture is changing rapidly, especially in countries like Australia, where potential encounters between people and crocs so often happen near easily monitored locations, such as those selling beer.

The study’s most revealing finding, Payne said, is that most reported cases don’t happen while the humans are in the water but after they’ve gotten out, are toweling off, and have let their guard down.

“We’ve always known that crocodiles are successful as predators in part because they are masters of disguise. Anyone who has ever been swallowed whole by what they thought was a floating log can tell you that,” Payne said. “But it wasn’t until these latest studies that we learned just how murderously effective crocodilian deception can be.”

The study chronicled six places around the world where people who swim with these baddest of beasts are at particular risk of coming out of the water to discover crocodile leather is wearing them.

Philippines

It’s almost too easy for the crocodiles of the southern Philippines, who disguise themselves as belts, shoes, wallets, and, especially, handbags, then wait alongside popular swimming holes for the Filipinos to start haggling over price, seemingly unable to learn that price doesn’t matter when all sales are final.

Malaysia

In another case of hiding in plain sight, the crocodiles of Malaysia, some growing to more than 20 feet in length, disguise themselves by lying very still in front of a museum, as if they are stuffed, sometimes even wearing sunglasses and a silly hat. Then, when a tourist bends down to have a photo taken of the tourist’s head in the mouth of a creature that, the tourist might note with only momentary pause, almost seems to be grinning, the crocodile snaps.

Ethiopia

Crocodiles have always had a bad reputation in Ethiopia’s watershed region of the Nile River, where even in ancient times, when the sharp-toothed beasts were worshiped as wrathful gods, biting the hand that feeds you was considered good business practice. For the past few decades, though, to snare victims all the crocodiles have had to do is pretend they are International Aid Workers, like everybody else does.

Australian Outback

It is not surprising that so many of the reported cases of crocodile attacks have occurred in Australia. Evolution has not yet allowed much of its population, which is largely of European stock, time to adapt to what can be this island continent’s harsh, often unforgiving environment. The crocodiles take advantage of this by lying around on Outback river banks, especially near pubs, shedding tears. Inevitably, unsuspecting Aussies will approach to see what the matter is, and that’s when the crock strikes one.

Florida Keys

Having an especially easy time blending into the surroundings of just about any Florida Keys resort, a wiley crocodile will crawl beneath a poolside umbrella, roll onto its back, displaying a white, fleshy-appearing belly resembling that of a New York businessman’s, slip off its wedding band, and order a margarita, with salt. Soon enough, its prey will come strolling by, the crocodile only wishing, its digestive system not being what it once was, that so many of them didn’t wear spiked heels.

Cuba

The cleverest of Cuba’s lizard-like los depredadores disguise themselves as 1957 Chevy convertibles, with smoke-grey crocodile-leather upholstery. The Cubans themselves are wise to the ploy, but German tourists fall for it almost every time.

November 5, 2012November 20, 2012

Best adventure travel books for encouraging readers to stay home?

A recent survey by the travel writing website BobCarrieson.com has found there is currently far too much coddling of readers by publishers of travel books.

“Just look at what’s out there,” said Bob Payne, who is the Non-E-Book Editor for BobCarriesOn.com. “Happy Herbivore Abroad, Birnbaum’s Walt Disney World 2013, Glamping with MaryJane. If travel publishing is to survive, what you want are adventure titles that inspire people to stay home, and read,” Payne said.

“For proof of how egregious the situation is, consider that a book about a mountaineer’s adventures in Kashmir, which included death threats and a kidnapping by people who may have been Taliban, is titled Three Cups of Tea, which sounds like it ought to be shelved with Happy Herbivore,” Payne said.

Among Payne’s recommendations for classic titles that encourage readers to remain in the easy chair are:

In Trouble Again, by Redmond O’Hanlon

During a four-month journey among primitive people in farthest reaches of the South American rainforest, the author of In Trouble Again finds himself in the dire situation of having ingested an hallucinatory drug that is making the women of the most violent men on earth start to look good to him.

The Worst Journey in the World, by Apsley Cherry-Garrard

No doubt to overcome the burden of having such a wussy name, this young English gentleman joined Robert Falcon Scott’s 1911 expedition to the South Pole. It was an expedition that Scott, despite his far more heroic-sounding moniker, did not survive. What Cherry-Garrard discovered during the expedition was that Polar exploration is “the most isolated way of having a bad time which has been devised.”

The Valley of the Assassins by Freya Stark

Freya Stark was a fearless Englishwoman who usually traveled solo though many of the most dangerous parts of the Arab world, including the journey chronicled in The Valley of the Assassins, to Syria in 1927, to a “part of the country where one is less frequently murdered.”

No Picnic on Mount Kenya by Felice Benuzzi

The story of adventure in its purest form, No Picnic on Mount Kenya involves three Italians who broke out of a British prisoner of war camp in Africa in 1943, climbed Mount Kenya with home-made gear, then, not sure what to do with themselves next, broke back into the camp, where for their efforts they each received a week in solitary confinement.

Jaguars Ripped My Flesh by Tim Cahill

As this is a collection of short pieces written mostly on assignment for Outside magazine, Jaguars Ripped My Flesh doesn’t have the narrative power of most of the other titles on Bob Payne’s list of recommendations, but as Payne himself has spent nights alone in the South American rainforest, listening to the distinctive cough-like sound a Jaguar makes, the title has for him a certain “What am I doing here?” resonance.

The Fearful Void by Geoffrey Moorhouse

With the exception of occasionally coming close to dying of thirst, lice were the biggest threat on this six-month camel journey across the Sahara. Still, lice can easily convince you that you should have stayed home.

BigStock photo.