Bob Payne - BobCarriesOn

November 2, 2012November 26, 2012

A journey to the North Pole, courtesy of the same people who gave us Chernobyl

Sometimes, as a traveler, you find yourself in situations whose danger you don’t fully appreciate until later. At the time, what you might be thinking is “How bizarre,” or as happened to Bob Payne during a trip to the North Pole aboard the Russian nuclear-powered icebreaker Yamal, “The ship was built by the same people who built Chernobyl?”

Here’s a slightly revised telling of one incident from Bob Payne’s North Pole story, which first appeared in the January 1995 Conde Nast Traveler magazine.

The Yamal, which had been converted to a kind of cruise vessel (mostly by painting what looked like the smiling teeth of a very happy killer whale across the bow) ran on a match-book-size supply of enriched uranium, and at some point during the journey to the North Pole a handful of the passengers, possibly the ones who had been asking the most annoying questions, were invited for a tour of its reactor room.

The tour started badly. The Yamal’s chief reactor engineer, speaking through an interpreter, a young woman whose career Payne had already put in jeopardy by teaching her to say “Hold your horses,” began his remarks only to have them interrupted with “Louder please,” from someone in the back of the room. The translator and the chief conferred, then the translator, responded: “The chief asks please no questions till end.”

Passing through the Yamal’s Starship Enterprise-like control room, where Payne inquired, without success, about who might control cabin heat, the passengers were lead into a locker room, where they were given smocks, caps, gloves, and thin rubber boots that slipped over their regular shoes. Each passenger was also given a tiny radiation-measuring device, no doubt like the ones used at Chernobyl, that they pinned to their smocks.

With the rods sticking out of the tops of the reactors, and with some large metal tanks mounted high on the wall, the Yamal’s reactor room itself looked more than anything else like the milking room of a modern dairy. Except you would expect the cows to have two heads.

Payne started to ask something, but once again he was told to hold his questions until later. Which was unfortunate, because he said he really needed to know if it was safe to scratch his nose.

Wofratz/Wikimedia Commons Photo.

November 1, 2012November 15, 2012

In aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, Manhattan plans six new waterfront hotels

The Hurricane Sandy storm surge washing through the streets of Lower Manhattan this week has accelerated plans for the construction of at least a half dozen waterfront hotels in New York City at locations that have historically been dry land, according to the development group Big Apple Beach Resorts.

“Obviously, we’d been thinking about the possibilities presented by rising waters, as so many developers have,” said Big Apple Beach Resorts spokesman Bob Payne. “But none of our New York waterfront hotels were scheduled to begin construction until at least 2025, the projected date for Fox News to begin warning people about Global Warming.”

What’s changed, Payne told a reporter for BobCarriesOn.com, is the attitude of New York’s city officials, some of whom waded through waist-deep water to bring messages of encouragement to Big Apple Beach Resorts’ Wall Street offices.

“When it comes to the give and take of the permitting process I think we’ll have an unprecedented level of city support, especially among those officials who we let use our power outlets to re-charge their mobile devices during the storm,” Payne said.

According to Payne, the first of the Big Apple Beach Resorts will include:

Beaches Wall Street

This will be a resort geared for families, especially those from Brazil, Russian, China, and India, who will want to tie up their yachts to the statues of some of America’s financial giants soon to be standing knee-deep in the sand. Among Beaches Wall Street’s many family-oriented attractions will be one of the largest outdoor waterslides in Lower Manhattan, and for an additional charge, deep sea fishing from every balcony.

The Palm & Pawn Villas of Lower Manhattan

Meant to harmonize closely with its surroundings, the Palm & Pawn will offer, often for the price of a watch you don’t really need anymore, a sense of the Manhattan lost. It will have the area’s only 18-hole golf course, with each hole stunningly located on the top of one of the city’s highest remaining buildings. Scuba divers will especially like this hotel, which, although on the side of Manhattan most exposed to the direct force of the Atlantic Ocean, will be protected by a reef composed of the world’s largest collection of discarded truck tires. For truly adventurous, the hotel’s concierge will be able to arrange a scuba tour of former subway tunnels.

Sandy’s South Street Sunny Sands

The otherwise delightful beach originally carved out by Hurricane Sandy in front of the Sunny Sands might often be strewn with more debris, including crumpled lottery tickets, dog excrement, and formerly high-ranking members of organized crime, than most visitors would prefer. But cheap labor resulting from the no doubt continuing downward spiral of the national economy will make it possible for the hotel to employ a full-time clean-up staff who will maintain the beach from dawn until it is no longer safe to be out in the evening.

Seaside Inn at the New York Stock Exchange

For hundreds of years, when it was known as the Mountaintop Inn, this AAA-rated property was the gathering place for Manhattan’s financial upper crust. Then, there was a long decline, when it was overrun by day traders. Now, though, it will be returned to its former glory. Among other guests you’ll find English so common that you’ll forget you are in post-deluvian New York. And barefoot staff will wear smiles that disguise the fact they’d rather be wearing shoes, if they could afford them.

Financial District Waterfront Resort and Spa

Its prime location in the landing pattern of Newark Liberty Airport will make this ultra-ritzy accommodation popular with jet setters. A special feature will be stunning views of that part of the Statue of Liberty still above water. Hotel beach services will include towels, umbrellas, and, when the police are otherwise occupied, massages.

Battery Park Overwater Bungalows

Offering some of the first thatch-roof overwater accommodations in the New York metropolitan area, this 17-room enclave of serenity will overlook the shallow waters of Battery Park, which are ideal for swimming, windsurfing, and snorkeling among the remnants of abandoned cars. Reachable only by small boat, it will feature gambling in the form of whether you’ll be able to flag down a water taxi. There will be no telephones, but that is expected to be the case with most Lower Manhattan properties, most of the time.

October 31, 2012November 26, 2012

Zombie attacks air passengers, survivors grateful for extra legroom

In an aviation first, a zombie attack occurred aboard a commercial airliner today. It was a scene of horror worse than even passengers who routinely fly in the most uncomfortable coach seats, with the most restrictive fares, could recall experiencing in some time.

The plane, a Boeing 767 with 173 passengers aboard, at the start, was about half way through a six-hour flight from New York to Los Angeles when the attack occurred. Survivors recall that a woman near the back of the plane began screaming to the man next to her that being unhappy because he was stuck in the middle seat didn’t give him the right to dismember people.

The woman was the first of dozens of victims, many of whom had been waiting for the rear lavatories and did not run following the initial attack for fear of losing their place in line.

“Those of us who survived were really lucky,” said coach passenger Bob Payne, of Pelham Manor, New York, who had been in row 36-E. “If it hadn’t been for some of the things in our carry-on’s we’d forgotten to check, like machetes, calvary swords, and one fellow’s chain saw, I don’t know what we would have done.”

Payne said he’d noticed the man during boarding. “He was snarling and snapping at people, and dragging himself down the aisle, pushing a carry-on the size of a body bag. But you see a lot of that these days, so I didn’t think much of it.”

As soon as the rampage started, a flight-attendant, Enola Swift, who had escaped with only the loss of a leg, hopped up to the cockpit and explained the situation to the captain, who after checking to make sure the cockpit door was secure immediately requested that he be allowed to make an emergency landing.

“Unfortunately,” the captain later told reporters, “There was already a hijacking taking place on Southwest; a United flight had a family with a child who wouldn’t stay in his seat; and an American cabin crew had taken over a plane and was forcing everyone onboard to watch them perform a scene from Les Miserables. So air traffic control told us all available controllers were busy assisting other pilots and we’d have to continue on to L.A. as scheduled.”

Flight attendant Swift said that some passengers quietly accepted what was going on, as many usually do, and just seemed happy, as the people around them had the marrow sucked out of their bones, for the extra leg room. But others, Swift said, especially those whose assault had turned them into zombies, too, were almost unmanageable.

“They were banging on the call buttons, stacking the beverage carts with arms and legs and pushing them up and down the aisles, even smoking in the lavatories.”

The most difficult to deal with, Swift said, were the children. “Take an already cranky kid and turn it into a zombie, and that’s a flight attendant’s worst nightmare. I hope I never see that kind of behavior again.”

At the carnage continued, the surviving crew retreated to the forward cabin, which up until then had remained zombie free, and were able to temporarily keep their attackers at bay by pulling the curtain closed and making an announcement to remind coach passengers they were not permitted in First Class.

“Finally, though, they pushed in anyway and we were still fending them off (thank goodness for that chain saw) when the plane pulled into the gate, where we were met by a customer service representative,” Swift said.

Mobbed by reporters after deplaning, passenger Payne said that as horrifying as the ordeal had been he couldn’t help feeling sorry for the original zombie and the others he had turned into monsters.

“Watching as a First Class passenger who had been complaining about the noise was attacked by a horde of zombies and then stuffed down the toilet in the forward lavatory, you knew that deep within those tortured soles there was still some faint spark of humanity.”

In the aftermath of the incident, the nation’s airlines have come together as a group and quickly moved to reassure an on-edge flying public that any passenger who missed a connecting flight as a result of dismemberment or other major injuries would be reimbursed, upon presentation of receipts, for all meal, accommodation, and medical expenses, up to $25.

October 29, 2012November 9, 2012

What’s still flying at New York area airports? Luggage carts, terminal signs, Rosetta Stone sales associates.

In an attempt to help keep the flying public fully apprised of what’s happening as a result of Hurricane Sandy, the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, which operates JFK, LaGuardia, and Newark Liberty airports, issued a 10:00 A.M. EST bulletin with a list of what is expected to remain flying over the next 36-48 hours.

The list, according to Port Authority spokesman Bob Payne, includes the following:

Wadded up tickets, terminal signage, luggage carts, drug-sniffing dogs, skycap uniforms, Rosetta Stone retail sales associates, children who refuse to hold their mother’s hand, catering trucks, taxi cabs, inter-terminal buses, and airport parking toll booths.

Payne said the list does not include items normally found aloft at area airports, such as seagulls, baggage handlers, and flight attendant uniforms.

“We’ll be issuing a list update at 2 p.m.,” Payne said. “And should have word by then on whether it will include the Newark Liberty control tower.”

October 26, 2012November 26, 2012

Trouble saving your seat? Let wild animals help.

It’s happened to all of us. You get up from your seat on a bus, or train, or Southwest Airlines to use the lavatory or ask somebody behind you not to cram their carry-on bag into the same space already occupied by your souvenir sombrero, and when you return another passenger is sitting where you were. Or worse, when you start back you realize you have no idea where your seat is.

That’s when wild animals can help.

The example shown here is of a leopard, spotted on a train between Marseille and Barcelona. But any wild animal will do as long as they have a tail that will allow them to hang down from overhead. That way they are plainly visible no matter how far you wander, and they make it clear to anyone who thinks of occupying your seat while you are gone that there will be consequences.

As successful as wild animals have proven as place savers, even being known to keep celebrities at bay, be aware that there are times when they do not work. One example is if the animal is seen as symbolic of man’s inhumanity to man, such as an elephant or wild donkey during U.S. political campaigns, when you may return from looking for an in-flight magazine that doesn’t already have the cross-word puzzle filled in to find your guardian hanging from the end opposite its tail. Or you may return to discover that a five year old you don’t recognize insists on sitting in your lap.

In those few instances, the best alternative is to hang a stalk of wild asparagus.

October 24, 2012November 26, 2012

Cayman Islands’ oldest resident confuses tourist for someone else

One of the reasons to travel is that interactions with strangers, no matter how brief, can sometimes form happy memories that last a lifetime. I had such an interaction with a woman I met in the Cayman Islands in 1994. Her name was Nettie Levy, and people said that at 105 she may not have been as sharp mentally as she once was. But you couldn’t prove it by me.

On the main island, Grand Cayman, I’d gone one afternoon to visit Miss Nettie, as everyone called her, in the tin-roofed wooden house that was already four years old when she moved into it as a new bride in 1914.

Showing more common sense than many a government official I’ve talked to, Miss Nettie slept through most of my attempt to interview her.

And when she did awake, during a conversation I was having with her 77-year-old daughter, Ariel Christian, it was to ask “Is dat de governor?”

To commemorate Mother’s Day some years ago, the Caymans’ governor had presented Miss Nettie, who at the time was the Cayman’s oldest living resident, with an award. The governor and I both have sandy hair, a ruddy complexion, and, I like to think, a regal bearing. So, confusing the two of us seemed a mistake anyone could easily make. Especially anyone just waking from a nap.

Ariel, who everyone called Miss Ariel, attempted to assure Miss Nettie I was not the governor. I was, she said, a gentleman from America.

“America?” Miss Nettie replied. “But he speak such good English.”

This is from the introduction to a story I wrote about the Caymans that was published in the February 1995 issues of Islands magazine. Between the time I met Miss Nettie and the story appeared, she died. It was a sad loss for the Caymans, the governor, and me.