The Hurricane Sandy storm surge washing through the streets of Lower Manhattan this week has accelerated plans for the construction of at least a half dozen waterfront hotels in New York City at locations that have historically been dry land, according to the development group Big Apple Beach Resorts.
“Obviously, we’d been thinking about the possibilities presented by rising waters, as so many developers have,” said Big Apple Beach Resorts spokesman Bob Payne. “But none of our New York waterfront hotels were scheduled to begin construction until at least 2025, the projected date for Fox News to begin warning people about Global Warming.”
What’s changed, Payne told a reporter for BobCarriesOn.com, is the attitude of New York’s city officials, some of whom waded through waist-deep water to bring messages of encouragement to Big Apple Beach Resorts’ Wall Street offices.
“When it comes to the give and take of the permitting process I think we’ll have an unprecedented level of city support, especially among those officials who we let use our power outlets to re-charge their mobile devices during the storm,” Payne said.
According to Payne, the first of the Big Apple Beach Resorts will include:
Beaches Wall Street
This will be a resort geared for families, especially those from Brazil, Russian, China, and India, who will want to tie up their yachts to the statues of some of America’s financial giants soon to be standing knee-deep in the sand. Among Beaches Wall Street’s many family-oriented attractions will be one of the largest outdoor waterslides in Lower Manhattan, and for an additional charge, deep sea fishing from every balcony.
The Palm & Pawn Villas of Lower Manhattan
Meant to harmonize closely with its surroundings, the Palm & Pawn will offer, often for the price of a watch you don’t really need anymore, a sense of the Manhattan lost. It will have the area’s only 18-hole golf course, with each hole stunningly located on the top of one of the city’s highest remaining buildings. Scuba divers will especially like this hotel, which, although on the side of Manhattan most exposed to the direct force of the Atlantic Ocean, will be protected by a reef composed of the world’s largest collection of discarded truck tires. For truly adventurous, the hotel’s concierge will be able to arrange a scuba tour of former subway tunnels.
Sandy’s South Street Sunny Sands
The otherwise delightful beach originally carved out by Hurricane Sandy in front of the Sunny Sands might often be strewn with more debris, including crumpled lottery tickets, dog excrement, and formerly high-ranking members of organized crime, than most visitors would prefer. But cheap labor resulting from the no doubt continuing downward spiral of the national economy will make it possible for the hotel to employ a full-time clean-up staff who will maintain the beach from dawn until it is no longer safe to be out in the evening.
Seaside Inn at the New York Stock Exchange
For hundreds of years, when it was known as the Mountaintop Inn, this AAA-rated property was the gathering place for Manhattan’s financial upper crust. Then, there was a long decline, when it was overrun by day traders. Now, though, it will be returned to its former glory. Among other guests you’ll find English so common that you’ll forget you are in post-deluvian New York. And barefoot staff will wear smiles that disguise the fact they’d rather be wearing shoes, if they could afford them.
Financial District Waterfront Resort and Spa
Its prime location in the landing pattern of Newark Liberty Airport will make this ultra-ritzy accommodation popular with jet setters. A special feature will be stunning views of that part of the Statue of Liberty still above water. Hotel beach services will include towels, umbrellas, and, when the police are otherwise occupied, massages.
Battery Park Overwater Bungalows
Offering some of the first thatch-roof overwater accommodations in the New York metropolitan area, this 17-room enclave of serenity will overlook the shallow waters of Battery Park, which are ideal for swimming, windsurfing, and snorkeling among the remnants of abandoned cars. Reachable only by small boat, it will feature gambling in the form of whether you’ll be able to flag down a water taxi. There will be no telephones, but that is expected to be the case with most Lower Manhattan properties, most of the time.
