Six places to swim with crocodiles, just before you die

Of all the possible travel experiences, one of the most under-reported is swimming with crocodiles.

But a new study by the University of Phoenix Graduate School for Crocodile Research shows that the number is far larger than previously thought.

“In the past, data was hard to get because people who go in for that kind of thing usually don’t talk about it later, as they are so often deceased,” said the school’s Acting Director, Bob Payne.

But Payne said that with new information-gathering technology the picture is changing rapidly, especially in countries like Australia, where potential encounters between people and crocs so often happen near easily monitored locations, such as those selling beer.

The study’s most revealing finding, Payne said, is that most reported cases don’t happen while the humans are in the water but after they’ve gotten out, are toweling off, and have let their guard down.

“We’ve always known that crocodiles are successful as predators in part because they are masters of disguise. Anyone who has ever been swallowed whole by what they thought was a floating log can tell you that,” Payne said. “But it wasn’t until these latest studies that we learned just how murderously effective crocodilian deception can be.”

The study chronicled six places around the world where people who swim with these baddest of beasts are at particular risk of coming out of the water to discover crocodile leather is wearing them.

Philippines

It’s almost too easy for the crocodiles of the southern Philippines, who disguise themselves as belts, shoes, wallets, and, especially, handbags, then wait alongside popular swimming holes for the Filipinos to start haggling over price, seemingly unable to learn that price doesn’t matter when all sales are final.

Malaysia

In another case of hiding in plain sight, the crocodiles of Malaysia, some growing to more than 20 feet in length, disguise themselves by lying very still in front of a museum, as if they are stuffed, sometimes even wearing sunglasses and a silly hat. Then, when a tourist bends down to have a photo taken of the tourist’s head in the mouth of a creature that, the tourist might note with only momentary pause, almost seems to be grinning, the crocodile snaps.

Ethiopia

Crocodiles have always had a bad reputation in Ethiopia’s watershed region of the Nile River, where even in ancient times, when the sharp-toothed beasts were worshiped as wrathful gods, biting the hand that feeds you was considered good business practice. For the past few decades, though, to snare victims all the crocodiles have had to do is pretend they are International Aid Workers, like everybody else does.

Australian Outback

It is not surprising that so many of the reported cases of crocodile attacks have occurred in Australia. Evolution has not yet allowed much of its population, which is largely of European stock, time to adapt to what can be this island continent’s harsh, often unforgiving environment. The crocodiles take advantage of this by lying around on Outback river banks, especially near pubs, shedding tears. Inevitably, unsuspecting Aussies will approach to see what the matter is, and that’s when the crock strikes one.

Florida Keys

Having an especially easy time blending into the surroundings of just about any Florida Keys resort, a wiley crocodile will crawl beneath a poolside umbrella, roll onto its back, displaying a white, fleshy-appearing belly resembling that of a New York businessman’s, slip off its wedding band, and order a margarita, with salt. Soon enough, its prey will come strolling by, the crocodile only wishing, its digestive system not being what it once was, that so many of them didn’t wear spiked heels.

Cuba

The cleverest of Cuba’s lizard-like los depredadores disguise themselves as 1957 Chevy convertibles, with smoke-grey crocodile-leather upholstery. The Cubans themselves are wise to the ploy, but German tourists fall for it almost every time.