Airlines mull adding duct tape to amenities kits

A recent incident involving an unruly man who was duct taped to his seat by fellow air passengers has rekindled the ongoing argument over whether airlines should include duct tape in business and first class amenities kits.

“Considering the many other uses passengers already find for duct tape on board, offering it in the kits is clearly a cost-efficient means of getting our most valuable customers to stick with us,” said Bob Payne, chairman of the Airline Industry Duct Tape Advisory Panel.

Payne said duct tape has long been known for its usefulness in substituting for belts and other accessories passengers may have forgotten at security, taping infants to the bulkheads during takeoff and landing, and repairing cracks in wings and tail sections.

“When a wing comes loose, we all know from experience that there’s nothing you’d rather have in your hand, with the possible exception of a parachute rip cord, than a fresh roll of duct tape,” Payne said.

Security officials note that this latest application is especially welcome because the opportunity for group response has allowed passengers to go from fearing there might be someone on board who needs to be subdued to looking forward to it.

Critics argue, though, that having quantities of duct tape freely available can lead to the kind of abuse that happens all too often when, for instance, a passenger tapes shut the mouth of an adult or child  seat mate simply because of differing political views. It’s the kind of thing, they say, that can make the dispensing of the amenities kits a constitutional issue.

There is also the question of offering a safety enhancement that is not equally accessible to all on board. Industry observers, however,  see that as a relatively minor issue, and one readily addressed by making the tape available to coach passengers for $25 for the first roll and $35 for each additional roll.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne recently used duct tape to re-attach the tail to his neighbor’s cat.

 

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First class passengers surprised to learn people are unhappy with flying

A new study published this week by The Entitled Flyer magazine finds that first class passengers are largely unaware that people in coach class are unhappy with flying, and are only dimly aware that people in coach class exist at all.

The study showed that when asked how many seats a Boeing 757 had most first-class respondents answered 12, and when asked to describe the difference between coach class and premium coach class 87 percent said they could not because they were unfamiliar with either term. Nor could they tell a coach class passenger from an airline’s ground crew, except that they thought one group, they weren’t sure which, might wear uniforms.

“I always assumed those people passing through the cabin were there to service the aircraft,” said frequent first class passenger Bob Payne, CEO of a company that manufactures a line of maid, butler, and driver attire for Halloween wear.

Payne said he had heard rumblings about add-on fees for baggage, boarding priority, seat selection, and even meals, but had experienced none of them personally, and knew no one who had.

“Besides, if add-on fees were really a problem you could solve it simply by presenting your Executive Elite Status Card, or demanding to be booked on a different airline,” Payne said.

In other airline news, American Airlines has announced it is ready to move to the next step in its labor negotiations by offering pilot’s uniforms for rent to passengers, who will then be allowed to sit in the cockpit.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne occasionally flies first class, but only when his private jet is being serviced.

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Cash strapped federal government considers licensing airline beverage carts as commercial vehicles

 

In an attempt to find more revenue sources that could help deal with America’s on-going monetary crisis, Congress announced today it is studying emergency legislation that would allow the Interstate Commerce Commission to charge a licensing fee for airline beverage carts under the same rules currently applied to commercial trucking.

“Those carts are clearly engaging in commerce and they are clearly crossing state lines; so we are well within our rights to charge them a licensing fee for it,” said legislative assistant Bob Payne.

The news sent a ripple of concern through the airline industry, with reports that some carriers were rushing to buy all the carts they could and instructing their lobbyists to argue that a fair compromise, should the licensing become law, would be to allow carts already in use to be grandmothered in, just as has happened with more and more issues involving flight attendants.

Some industry analysts, however, say that most airlines would simply find a way to eliminate the beverage carts, such as requiring flight attendants to wear multi-pocketed uniforms from which they would offer items for sale. But legislative assistant Payne does not think that will happen. “After all, the airlines know we would simply start charging a fee for having pockets.”

In related news, the beverage service was completed aboard a recent Newark-Phoenix flight with no injuries reported.

 

Travel humor writer Bob Payne has his own beverage cart repair business.

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Air passenger elbows growing smaller say evolutionary biologists

 

 

A report just published in the Journal of Evolutionary Appendages has found a direct correlation between the diminishing widths of coach class seats and shrinking elbows among coach class passengers.

“We haven’t tracked a finer example of evolutionary biology at work since the increase in finger dexterity following the introduction of free wi-fi,” said JEA editor Bob Payne.

The study also found that a result of the shrinkage has been a marked decrease in violence among passengers sharing arm rests.

“With not much of an elbow to poke, and the impossibility of making one’s self heard over small children, there’s not much for someone to do but sit there and be quiet,” Payne said.

Payne said the study projects that elbows will be able to shrink another 14 percent before the airlines begin looking for new ways to maximize the number of people a plane can carry.

“A promising development in that area is having appendages surgically removed before departure then reattached at destination, with the airline getting a percentage of the surgical procedures,” Payne said.

Payne said that while some non-scientists have been surprised by how quickly human elbows have adapted to new space restrictions, he said it is no more unusual than how fast the human tongue has hardened as a result of the increasing number of opportunities to bite it, not only in travel, but in every facet of daily life.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne has been editing the Journal of Evolutionary Appendages since its inception.

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Take my shoes off? Not in this lifetime.

 

So here it is, almost the end of the time, according to the Mayans, which is a special day for travelers because it means you can do and say all those things you’ve been wishing you could ever since the first TSA screener told you to take your shoes off.

Here are just a few of the possibilities that travel humor writer Bob Payne will be trying out. But feel free to contribute your own. And let’s check in day after tomorrow to see how things worked out.

Lean toward the woman whose child just threw his glass of juice at a flight attendant and say, in a compassionate voice, but loud enough for everyone within five or six rows to hear, “Does he take after you or your husband?”

Dine at a nearly impossible-to-get-into restaurant where the cost of the meal includes being humiliated by an insufferable wait staff, and then don’t tip.

Give every single person who puts their hand out — waiter, bellman, concierge, taxi driver, porter,  tour guide, beggar on the street– a thousand dollars, by check.

Sample everything in the mini-bar, even the $12 condom.

Walk out of the hotel carrying a TV.

Rent a car, the luxury model, back it into a pole in a parking lot, breaking a tail light, and then happily confess, when that irritating guy with the hand-held device is checking you in, “Yep. I did it.”

Go ahead, ski the double black diamond.

New coach class turndown service to revolutionize airline industry

The airline industry today announced a revolutionary new concept in flying – coach class turndown service.

The way the service works, according to industry spokesperson Bob Payne, is that any request made by a coach passenger will automatically be turned down.

“What the request is won’t matter – May I have the full can? Could somebody bolt my seat back to the floor? Could you tell me why the wing is on fire? – the answer will always be No,” Payne said.

The effect on the industry’s bottom line is expected to prove even more positive  than ancillary add-on fees have, and should give flight attendants more time to devote to higher-priority tasks, such as determining who among the cockpit crew is married.

“That will make it a win-win for everyone, except of course the coach passengers themselves.” Payne said.

Some critics have said that those coach passengers, denied access to basic information they need for a comfortable, comforting, and safe flying experience may decide not to fly at all.

To which Payne responded, “Are you somehow unaware of what they’ve been willing to put up with already?”

The fee for the turndown service, Payne said, will be $75.

 

Travel humor writer Bob Payne is the author of the  acclaimed psychological thriller, Fare of Flying.

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