News - BobCarriesOn

September 2, 2013April 22, 2014

Fewer children “accidentally” left beside highway this Labor Day

In a clear sign that the economy is on the upswing, AAA reports that fewer children have been “accidentally” left beside the highway during family auto trips this Labor Day weekend than for any other similar period since 2008.

AAA attributes the downturn to increased consumer confidence across all financial sectors, particularly in the area of savings for college tuition, and the fact that siblings are more likely to report the absence of a child from a car during a family auto trip than they are during tough economic times. Some observers, though, argue that another factor is in play, too.

“Children have wised up considerably in recent years, so that few are still being taken in by the parental ruse of sending their offspring to a highway rest stop snack bar with a dollar and a green light to buy whatever they want, and then ‘accidentally’ speeding away,” say Bob Payne, spokesman for the National Organization of Children Who Might Actually Be Better 0ff Without Parents.

Payne said that on a family auto trip most children are still more than willing to go to a highway rest stop snack bar on their own, but not without enough funds to cover a stay at the nearest hotel with a pool for at least through the first month of school.

In related news, another just-released AAA report has found that children who are forced to play the license plate game on family auto trips are 50 percent more likely than other children to move to Hawaii when they grow up.

In addition to his responsibilities as a spokesman for AAA, Bob Payne is the Editor in Chief of BobCarriesOn.com, the website that has been sharing accurate travel news and advice since before Columbus landed at Plymouth Rock.

May 3, 2013May 7, 2014

Frontier Airline’s real intention? Getting passengers to fly the plane themselves

This announcement that Frontier Airlines will begin charging for soft drinks?

It’s just a ruse, to get people talking — mostly about why Frontier is charging $1.99 for the can and not $2.00 — in order to disguise the airline’s real goal, which is to get passengers to fly the planes themselves.

Operating on the understandable premise that they’d like to make all the money without having to do any of the work, the Denver-based airline has announced, along with the news about soft drinks, that beginning July 1^st it will charge a carry-on fee of up to $100 to anyone who does not purchase their ticket through the Frontier website, thus putting pressure on them to abandon third-party sites such as expedia.com.

“With this change, we are ensuring that our most valuable customers, those who know that when it comes to air travel we’ve pretty much got them over a barrel, will once again fork out for a fee not even we first thought they’d go along with,” said Frontier spokesperson Bob Payne.

But the concern among industry watchers is that the fee, designed to see just how much of the work of running an airline the passengers are willing to do themselves, is the first of a series of steps that will lead directly to the cockpit.

“After all, flying is not like driving, where somebody actually has to be behind the wheel,” said airline-passenger advocate Bob Payne (no relation).

Commercial aircraft have been flying themselves for a long time, Payne said, with the cabin crew now there just in case the flight attendants have to reference an authority figure.

“If the airlines can buy enough lobbyists, you’ll see pilots being eliminated altogether,” said Payne. “And it’s only a step from there to charging passengers to sit in the cockpit, and only another step beyond that to charging them if they chose not to wear a captain’s hat.”

Informally polled about the announced actions, the biggest concern most Frontier passengers seemed to have was about that extra penny. “How often do you think they are going to tell us they don’t have change for the $2.00?” questioned one passenger, Bob Payne (no relation).

When not serving as the airline correspondent for BobCarriesOn.com, Bob Payne is a non-attorney spokesperson for the soft-drink industry.

March 11, 2013March 15, 2016

Slingshot owners angered by reversal of TSA’s no knives on planes rule

Members of a group who call themselves law-abiding slingshot owners say the new TSA rules allowing knives on planes but continuing to ban slingshots is not only unfair but casts a shadow on one of the best-loved stories in the Bible.

The group, Davids Against Goliath, says the evidence is clear that while knives have played well-documented roles in airborne tragedies, not a single airborne terrorist has been known to carry a slingshot.

“In fact in recent years there has been only one case of a slingshot bringing down a commercial aircraft belonging to a major carrier,” said the group’s spokesman,” Bob Payne.

And that case, Payne is quick to point out, was determined by a fact-finding board, in an 8-4 decision, to be an accident.

“As you may well remember, a man was having a cookout in his backyard, and he’d drunk a beer or two, and meant to use his slingshot to fire a flaming marshmallow over the fence onto his neighbor’s patio, as a harmless joke,” Payne said. ” But he mistakenly loaded the slingshot with a seagull instead, and the bird lofted higher than the man thought it would, and was sucked into the engine of a 747. And as tragic as the incident was, the majority of the board did find that most at fault was the seagull.”

Payne said the result of that incident, which is unlikely ever to be repeated, except on national holidays occuring in months when it is warm enough to cook outside, all responsible slingshot owners are being prohibited from using a handy tool that undeniably has practical uses aboard an aircraft.

“I cannot tell you how many times I have been on a plane, wanted to get a flight attendant’s attention, and the call button wasn’t working, and a slingshot loaded with a jellybean would have saved me considerable inconvenience,” Payne said.

Asked to comment on the news that baseball bats and golf clubs would also be allowed aboard under the TSA’s new ruling, Payne answered only: “Are you kidding me? Do you know how much damage David could have done to Goliath with a three iron?”

When not touring the country as a paid spokesperson for Davids Against Goliath, Bob Payne is the editor in chief and a religion columnist for the travel humor website BobCarriesOn.com.

February 15, 2013

As asteroid nears, Mayans now claim they meant world would end today

Preceded by a booming celestial fireball that injured hundreds of people in Russia earlier today, the approach of an asteroid scheduled to be at its closest point to earth this afternoon was really the event they had in mind when they claimed the end of the world was near, the Mayans now claim.

“That December 21st thing was just a Beta test to see what kind of numbers we could get,” said Bob Payne, spokesman for Mayans for Monetization Through Social Media.

Payne said the tests went well enough that the Mayan descendants organization is ready to take full responsibility for the havoc about to be wreaked on the planet unless a sufficiently large deposit is made immmediately to a special bank account they have set up — and new calendars can be printed in time.

Scientists have said the Mayan prediction is once again entirely false, to which Payne responded, “Did you see the video of the fireball this morning?”

This afternoon’s asteroid, 2012DA14, is predicted to pass closer to earth than any other sizable body every recorded.

“But there is no connection between this morning’s event and this afternoon’s; it is a cosmic coincidence,” a spokesman for the European Space Agency said.

To which much of the world has responded, “How do you make a deposit to that special account?”

January 25, 2013

UNESCO names Wi-Fi hot spot as World Heritage Site

In a move many have said was long overdue, UNESCO named its first Wi-Fi hotspot as a World Heritage Site.

The honor goes to the Terminal 3 Food Court at San Francisco International Airport, which began offering wireless service in 2003, and a breakfast burrito/Wi-Fi combo special in 2004.

“Even in those long-ago days, there were other, earlier, Wi-Fi adapters, but the San Francisco Airport Food Court, because of its California location, is considered to be the most at risk from physical and fiscal hazards,” said UNESCO spokesperson and travel humor writer Bob Payne.

“Besides, our field researchers have found that the food court burrito is really something to Tweet home about,” Payne said.

The addition of the Terminal 3 Food Court to UNESCO’s list of 962 sites of physical or cultural significance around the world is an acknowledgement by the U.N. organization that the sites, in the words of some critics, consisted of “too many piles of old rocks.”

In light of that criticism, current candidates for the list, Payne said, include the original Starbucks, the set for Downton Abbby, and Donald Trump’s hairpiece.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne recently finished evaluating 1,786 Wi-Fi Hotspot locations for UNESCO.

BigStock photo.

January 23, 2013January 23, 2013

Boeing considers renting out grounded Dreamliners for birthday parties

To help recoup losses resulting from the grounding of its fleet of 787 Dreamliners, Boeing is considering renting out the stricken aircraft for birthday parties.

“Talk about a birthday wish come true; imagine being able to experience the world’s most sophisticated aircraft without having to worry about some new problem cropping up at 30,000 feet,” said travel humor writer Bob Payne, Boeing’s newly-appointed Vice President for On-Ground Events.

Payne said the great appeal of the “Birthday Boeing’s,” as the company’s marketing department is now calling them, is that because they can’t leave the ground they are technically not aircraft, meaning none of the usual restrictions apply.

“If you want to sit in the cockpit or spend the entire party in the lavatory, go right ahead; it’s your birthday,” Payne said.

Likewise, there are no limitations on what passengers may carry on, so it’s no problem if presents include liquids, knives, garden tools, or incendiary devices.

The only thing Boeing asks, Payne said, is that for all electronics gifts, batteries not be included.

The parties are suitable for up to 290 guests. A birthday cake is included, but pizza is extra for all guests sitting in coach. The pizza is served by the aircraft’s real cabin crew, who are happy to have the work, or, optionally, a team of Boeing executives dressed in clown suits.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne recently got a good deal on his own 787, which he plans to convert to a single-lane bowling alley.