Tag: airline fees

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Pat down other passengers? How much extra would you pay?

Airline passengers undergoing a pat down

Following the TSA’s recent announcement of “enhanced security measures” that include a more invasive pat down, the media has responded in the strongest terms possible. Which is to say that the National Public Radio show Wait Wait . . . Don’t Tell Me has issued an enhanced put-down.

Asked to name the next change that will make air travel even worse, a panelist on the show predicted:  “Buyers of the new super saver economy no-frills tickets will have to pat down each other.”

Now, it may just be us, but we think many fliers would consider the opportunity to pat down other passengers a perk. One that  might well encourage them to choose the most no-frills option over others, and more than make up for having to pay for access to an exit row in the event of an emergency.

Perv Perks, the class could be called.  Which is certainly more respectable sounding, in the airline world, than Basic Economy.

Of course we also think the airlines would soon enough see Perv Perks as a new add-on fee opportunity, and start charging extra for the service.  No doubt, there would be a fee scale based on the level of invasiveness allowed, perhaps with the most expensive option — Perv Premium — permitting you to keep any weapons or other objects the pat down uncovered.

What do you think? How much extra would you pay to pat down other passengers?  How about if it were gloves-optional? Would you pay extra to have another passenger pat you down?

And what can you imagine as the next thing after more invasive pat-downs to make airline travel even worse?

Bob Payne, who is the editor in chief of the travel humor site BobCarriesOn, is often considered to be ahead of the curve on all travel-related issues. In fact,  he has already been reprimanded twice by TSA authorities for attempting to pat down fellow passengers.

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Our stand on charging airline pilots for cockpit seat selection – a BobCarriesOn editorial

cockpit seat selection

 

It is increasingly clear that the main role of the airline industry is no longer to provide air transportation but to identify ancillary fees that can become profit centers. The inevitable result, some industry observers believe, is that airlines will soon begin charging pilots for cockpit seat selection.

BobCarriesOn is opposed to this possibility.

By tradition, commercial airliners typically have two or three qualified pilots in the cockpit: the captain, who sits in the left-hand seat, the first officer, who sits in the right, and — if one is aboard — the flight engineer, who sits wherever is convenient should a flight attendant need help getting a malfunctioning overhead bin to close.

This seating arrangement is based on seniority, and because it clearly indicates where in the cockpit the most experienced pilot is to be found, it has long served the flying community well. However, fee-based seat selection would mean that any cockpit crewmember could claim the role of captain simply by booking early, and being willing to pay the extra fee.

We believe the safety issues that cockpit fee-based seat selection might raise far outweigh any bottom-line benefit to the airline and should be avoided except in special cases, such as when an airline’s profitability sinks below a level acceptable to its board of directors.

We have listened to the argument of supporters of cockpit seat selection. Which is that with the increasing level of aircraft automation, and the rising cost of aircraft operation, it makes economic sense to charge an ancillary fee for seats whose occupants no longer have any real role other than to act as authority figures until land-side law enforcement can arrive to remove disruptive passengers from a flight.

Our concern, though, is that if cockpit crewmembers are not treated with the respect they feel their seniority and experience have earned them, it will be disruptive pilots that law enforcement is having to remove.

 

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Average age of crying babies on airplanes is 43, study reveals

crying babies on airplanes

A new study commissioned by the Flight Attendants Union of America reveals that the average age of crying babies on airplanes is 43.

“That’s the age when crying babies begin to forget what it was like to fly with young children of their own,” said Flight Attendants Union of America spokesperson Bob Payne. “But they are not yet old enough to accept that nobody’s going to give them special treatment simply because they find certain of their fellow passengers irritating.”

“The babies you know will cry the most,” said Payne, “are those who come aboard talking loudly into a cell phone, or cradling a specially boxed gourmet sandwich, or already deeply engrossed in their Kindle.”

The average age of crying babies on airplanes has increased steadily, according to the study, ever since airlines introduced ancillary fees for baggage, food service, and armrest use, and began renting ballpoint pens for working on inflight magazine crossword and Sudoku puzzles.

The study notes that one positive effect of the increase in the average age of crying babies on airplanes is that it has become more and more acceptable for flight attendants to sedate crying babies, from the beverage cart, and charge them up to $8 for a 1.7 oz. mini bottle for each administering.

“It has certainly added to airline profitability,” Payne said.

Payne also notes, however, that with the increased average age of crying babies on planes has come the increased risk to other passengers and to cabin crew. It is only natural for babies to cry out when they experience the discomfort, pain, fear, rage, and homicidal impulses that have become a part of flying, Payne said. “But the uncontrolled outbursts that can result in an unscheduled landing are much more likely to come from a crying baby who is middle-aged than one who is an infant.”

An additional finding of the study was that the only place the average age of crying babies on airplanes hasn’t increased noticeably  is in the cockpit, where for some time it has held steady at 44.8 years.

When not serving as a spokesperson for the Flight Attendants Union of America, Bob Payne is the editor in chief of the travel humor website BobCarriesOn.com, which has been offering accurate travel news and advice since before Columbus landed at Plymouth Rock.

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Allegiant Air says newest airline fees are meant to prompt jokes

In the newest round of add-on airline fees, the low-cost carrier Allegiant Air said earlier this week that it is replacing all its in-flight announcements with open-mike sessions performed by passengers, who will be charged for the service.

“Research shows that these are add-on airline fees passengers are actually eager to embrace,” said Bob Payne, Director of Standup for Allegiant Air Customer Service.

The fees will range from $25 for each knock-knock joke ending with “Orange you going to stop that kid from kicking my seat? to $100 for any comedy routine mentioning the words “air rage,” “shoe bomber,” or “stewardess.”

The airline spokesman said demand had been overwhelming. “Even co-pilots, who might have otherwise had to wait 20 years before getting an opportunity to key a microphone, are signing up for the service.”

“Several junior flight crewmembers have already paid $150 per session in order to begin with, ‘Three airline captains walk into a bar,” Payne said.

Response was equally quick from other low-cost carriers, with Spirit Airlines, in an attempt to outdo its archrival, announcing an open mike performance for Caitlyn Jenner look-alikes, for which there would be a $300 change fee.

In related news, Amtrak has announced that it, too, will institute open-mike sessions, although to insure the comfort of all its passengers the service will be limited to mime acts.

When not working with Allegiant Air, travel humor writer Bob Payne serves as the Pre-Owned Vehicle Tourism Editor for BobCarriesOn.Com.

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Three unprovoked attacks in same day by fee-hungry airlines reported

Shark-toothed airliner

In what is becoming one of the most active seasons in recent memory for attacks by fee-hungry airlines, three separate carriers ripped into unsuspecting passengers on Monday, in each case resulting in the loss of an arm and a leg.

“High levels of chumming with seemingly cheap bait-and-switch fares are responsible for much of the activity,” said Bob Payne, Director of the University of North Carolina Biology Department’s Institute for the Study of Ancillary Airline Fees.

Among the new fare add-ons are a $7 entertainment tax for listening to the safety announcement, a $34 surcharge for teens wishing to sit in a different row than their parents, and $50 change fee for deciding you want coffee after all.

“There’s no sense in blaming the airlines for the attacks,” Payne said. “They are simply mindless beasts responding to naturally-occurring conditions.”

Still, passengers can take steps to protect themselves, Payne said. For instance, he suggests carrying a roll of duct tape, so that if you do lose an arm and a leg you can reattach them, thus avoiding the increasingly common fee for personal carryon items.

When not lecturing on ancillary airline fees, humor writer Bob Payne is the  Sex,  Religion and Politics Editor for BobCarriesOn.com

 

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Airlines suspend plans to charge fees for wearing hats in coach

In a move seen as an attempt to calm the anger of airline passengers who are growing increasingly resentful about what some see as the out-of-hand increase in add-on fees, most of the major airlines announced today that they have set aside plans to charge a fee for hats worn in coach class.

The fee would have been $25 per hat and an additional $25 for any emblazoned with the slogan “Party like its 1776.”

The only holdout among the airlines was Southwest, which maintained that it will go ahead with plans to charge the $25, but only for cowboy hats, with an extra $25 added on flights between Dallas and Houston.

The add-on fee would not have applied to first class passengers or to the cockpit crew.

This post originally appeared on the wall of  the now inactive facebook group “We are wearing a hat in our facebook photo, or admire people who do.”

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