Air Travel - BobCarriesOn

July 24, 2015March 15, 2016

6 foods that help airline passengers retain armrest space

As airline passengers know, one of the biggest annoyances when flying is having to fight for armrest space. But a simple solution, says Bob Payne, Director of Olfactory Experiences for the International Air Transport Association, is for passengers to bring aboard meals and snacks so odoriferous that passengers in the adjoining seats will be more than willing to give up as much elbow room as possible.

“While a small number of passengers [all now on the Terrorist Watchlist] have complained, we are finding that claiming the arm rests by olfactory means is far more benign than the barbed wire, electric-shock devices, and sharpened pencils through the back of the hand that some passengers have employed,” said Payne.

The most effective olfactory space-makers tend to be exotic food items such as Durian, an Asian fruit that is banned from many of that regions airlines, fermented fish, such as Swedish surstromming and Norwegian lutefisk, and fermented bean dishes, including Japanese natto and Korean doenjang, all of which have been described as possessing the aroma of Third World sewage systems on the occasions when they are working even less effectively than usual.

Yet while the exotics can be difficult to get hold of for U.S. and European flights (Spirit Airlines and Ryanair both offer them for an add-on fee), some excellent alternatives are easily available. Here are six of Payne’s favorites:

Over-ripe Cheese

Among the best are Limburger, which is particularly effective when paired with onions, Epoisses, which is banned from public transport throughout France, and Stinking Bishop, which in Britain is said to have a centuries-long tradition of raising the dead.

Tuna Fish

Any fish will do, but tuna is especially evocative of the sanitary facilities of a Grand Banks trawler.

Curry

A nice curry dish heavy on the cumin, coriander, and fenugreek works like a charm for extending your personal space to clear across the aisle and at least two rows in either direction.

Mexican Food

From beans to onions, the ingredients of a suitably malodorous burrito can drive even the most territorial fellow passenger flat up against the window.

Certain Vegetables

Cooked broccoli, cabbage, and asparagus, especially if packed in an insulated container that keeps them warm, exude a smell that says “”What’s it to ya?” To really insure some real estate, ask a flight attendant if he or she will reheat them for you. They won’t, but the possibility will have other passengers begging that the oxygen masks be dropped.

Carbonated Beverages

The stealth fighter of the armrest wars, carbonated beverages cause bloating and, combined with gas-producing foods like Mexican fare and the above-mentioned veggies, create a cone of flatulence that will keep other passengers at a respectful distance all the way into the arrival terminal.

Along with his responsibilities at the IATA, humor writer Bob Payne blogs forTupperware Brands, which he claims sponsored this post.

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July 17, 2015March 15, 2016

Allegiant Air says newest airline fees are meant to prompt jokes

In the newest round of add-on airline fees, the low-cost carrier Allegiant Air said earlier this week that it is replacing all its in-flight announcements with open-mike sessions performed by passengers, who will be charged for the service.

“Research shows that these are add-on airline fees passengers are actually eager to embrace,” said Bob Payne, Director of Standup for Allegiant Air Customer Service.

The fees will range from $25 for each knock-knock joke ending with “Orange you going to stop that kid from kicking my seat? to $100 for any comedy routine mentioning the words “air rage,” “shoe bomber,” or “stewardess.”

The airline spokesman said demand had been overwhelming. “Even co-pilots, who might have otherwise had to wait 20 years before getting an opportunity to key a microphone, are signing up for the service.”

“Several junior flight crewmembers have already paid $150 per session in order to begin with, ‘Three airline captains walk into a bar,” Payne said.

Response was equally quick from other low-cost carriers, with Spirit Airlines, in an attempt to outdo its archrival, announcing an open mike performance for Caitlyn Jenner look-alikes, for which there would be a $300 change fee.

In related news, Amtrak has announced that it, too, will institute open-mike sessions, although to insure the comfort of all its passengers the service will be limited to mime acts.

When not working with Allegiant Air, travel humor writer Bob Payne serves as the Pre-Owned Vehicle Tourism Editor for BobCarriesOn.Com.

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July 13, 2015March 15, 2016

Three unprovoked attacks in same day by fee-hungry airlines reported

In what is becoming one of the most active seasons in recent memory for attacks by fee-hungry airlines, three separate carriers ripped into unsuspecting passengers on Monday, in each case resulting in the loss of an arm and a leg.

“High levels of chumming with seemingly cheap bait-and-switch fares are responsible for much of the activity,” said Bob Payne, Director of the University of North Carolina Biology Department’s Institute for the Study of Ancillary Airline Fees.

Among the new fare add-ons are a $7 entertainment tax for listening to the safety announcement, a $34 surcharge for teens wishing to sit in a different row than their parents, and $50 change fee for deciding you want coffee after all.

“There’s no sense in blaming the airlines for the attacks,” Payne said. “They are simply mindless beasts responding to naturally-occurring conditions.”

Still, passengers can take steps to protect themselves, Payne said. For instance, he suggests carrying a roll of duct tape, so that if you do lose an arm and a leg you can reattach them, thus avoiding the increasingly common fee for personal carryon items.

When not lecturing on ancillary airline fees, humor writer Bob Payne is the Sex, Religion and Politics Editor for BobCarriesOn.com

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June 25, 2015July 24, 2015

America’s 10 Safest Airlines – Now

No question, a commercial aircraft is a safe place to be. It has been pointed out, for instance, that in the United States you are more likely to be killed by a dog attack than a commercial airplane crash. Still, if you want to increase the odds that flying will not be the cause of your demise, here are America’s 10 safest airlines.

Eastern Airlines

Founded: 1926

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1991

Of note: Among the deaths resulting from a 1974 Eastern Airlines crash were those of the father and two older brothers of comedian Stephen Colbert, who was ten at the time. He said the experience has had much to do with his view that the world doesn’t always make sense.

Northwest Airlines

Founded: 1926

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 2010

Of note: In 1971, hijacker D.B. Cooper parachuted from the tail end of a Northwest Boeing 727 somewhere over Washington State’s Cascade Range, along with $200,000 in ransom. He was never heard of again, except as the inspiration for songs, films, and printed works, among them a pamphlet, published in 1972, titled “SKYJACKER’S GUIDE OR PLEASE HOLD THIS BOMB WHILE I GO TO THE BATHROOM.“

Pan American World Airways

Founded: 1927

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1991

Of note: In the early 1960’s Pan Am was so optimistic about its future that it began accepting reservations for trips to the moon. By the time “The World’s Most Experienced Airline” went under, in part as a result of the terrorist bombing that brought down Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland, more than 93,000 people had put down a deposit for the space flight.

Braniff International Airways

Founded: 1928

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1982

Of note: A Braniff plane holds the record for the longest distance flown while being hijacked — 7,500 miles from San Antonio, Texas, to Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Continental Airlines

Founded: 1934

Why so safe: Stopped flying 2012

Of note: A subsidiary of Continental known as Continental Air Services Inc was created primarily to fly support missions in Southeast Asia during the Vietnam War. Which is why CASI may be the only civilian airline that has had an active-duty pilot serve as a prisoner of war.

National Airlines

Founded: 1934

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1980.

Of note: National is perhaps best remembered for its “Fly Me,” advertising campaign, featuring ads showing flight attendants saying, for instance, “I’m Cheryl. Fly me.” The campaign incensed the National Organization for Women, but was so successful that National purportedly considered intensifying it with “I’m going to fly you like you’ve never been flown before.”

Air Florida

Founded: 1971

Why so safe: Stopped flying 1984

Of note: The next time you are irritated by a flight attendant it might help to recall that when Air Florida Flight 90 crashed into the icy Potomac River in 1982 a flight attendant who was among the few survivors gave her life vest to an injured passenger.

Midway Airlines

Founded: 1976

Why so safe: Stopped flying 1991

Of note: One of the happier airlines, Midway, which never had a serious accident, proved that you could run a low-cost operation and still offer chocolate mints. Unhappily, like a number of other airlines, it could not survive the rise in fuel costs and economic downturn that resulted from the first Gulf War.

People Express

Founded: 1981

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1987

Of note: People Express was the first airline to permit a woman to captain a 747. On the other hand, they were also the first U.S. airline to charge a baggage fee.

Hooters Air

Founded: 2003

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 2006

Of note: The most successful thing about Hooters Air is that many passengers truly didn’t care when they arrived.

May 26, 2015May 29, 2015

A toddler shares 10 tips for airline travel

Grownups, which according to most toddlers is anyone over ten years old, are often no longer capable of enjoying the pleasures of airline travel. No joy for them in kicking the seat in front of you or seeing how far you can throw a juice box. As a result, grownups have very little to teach toddlers about flying, which may be why the two groups of travelers are often so unsettled around each other. That’s why we are presenting these ten tips for airline travel from an actual toddler, based on a lifetime of experience, which is to say 17 months.

Getting acquainted during boarding

As you make way your way down the aisle, offer a handful of Cheerios and a smile to every seated passenger, making note of those who do no respond, should it later become necessary to vomit on someone.

Choosing a special toy

A special toy can be anything – a wooden truck, an electronic game that beeps, and beeps, and beeps, or a tiny stuffed animal that can snuggle comfortably into a less-than-vigilant passenger’s red wine glass. What’s important is that when you want the toy, preferably while the flight attendants are urging everyone to take their seats, one of your parents has just packed it into a carry-on bag and stowed it in the only available overhead bin, twelve rows back from yours.

Snack selection

Soft snacks are best because if you lose interest before you are finished you can use them for early attempts to write your name on the armrest that would otherwise have been occupied by the lady sitting next to you.

If your father claims he couldn’t get seats together

Accept this for what it is: an indication that he’ll probably be out of your life by the time you are ten. However, if another man who isn’t too stinky is sitting next to your mother, there’s nothing wrong with being proactive by allowing her to pretend she doesn’t know you.

Best time to insist on going potty

Right after the seatbelt sign illuminates is ideal, as this will focus maximum attention on the fact that you know how to use a big-person potty. If you are told that you will have to wait, like big people do, one useful way of passing the time is to see if you can stand up on your tray table.

Visiting with other passengers

The best way to meet people in flight is by tottering down the aisle, from armrest to armrest, as if your walking skills are even less developed than they are. If the aisle is also occupied by the drinks cart this can be very entertaining, except to the flight attendants, who will scold you in a manner they usually reserve for grownups. Stand your ground, though, perhaps gathering courage by reminding yourself you are dealing with someone whose annual starting salary was less than $19,000. If that fails, and you must retreat, do it in as dignified a manner as possible, by observing in a voice that’s calm but capable of carrying for at least six or eight rows, “The flight attendant made a stinky.”

Clothing options

The two clothing options are on and off. Use the latter if other forms of entertainment, such as repeatedly pushing the call button, are losing their appeal, or if during preparations for landing no one is paying you the attention life has given you to expect.

Coping with earaches

As painful as earaches can be, there is often nothing you can do about them, except to find some kind of distraction, such as pulling the hair of the passenger in front of you.

If the captain makes an unscheduled stop to remove your family from the plane

This is a moment you will want to help your parents remember for a long time, making it a perfect opportunity to surreptitiously kick off a shoe.

If a grownup has a breakdown in flight and you are implicated

Smile and offer a handful of Cheerios to all involved.

May 16, 2014April 9, 2015

When everybody is a comedian, security slows at Las Vegas Airport

Las Vegas’ McCarran International Airport has announced it may have to review the effectiveness of the eight new security videos it introduced this week.

The airport security videos, featuring Las Vegas entertainers, some of whom people may have heard of, are meant to show the airport’s many inexperienced travelers how to get through security checkpoints in the shortest time possible.

“Unfortunately, the videos seem to be projecting the wrong message,” said Bob Payne, McCarran’s Assistant Director of Terminal Entertainment.

Payne said the airport security videos were released on Tuesday, highlighting tips by comedians Louie Anderson, Carrot Top, Murray SawChuck, the Blue Man Group, Terry Fator, the cast from “Raiding the Rock Vault,” and a father and son Mafia act, only one of which was carrying a machine gun in his violin case.

“Ever since then,” Payne said, “the airport security lines have slowed dramatically, as passengers insist on talking to TSA agents using hand-puppets, trying to make 5 oz. bottles magically shrink, and attempting to throw their voice so it sounds like people are crying for help from inside the x-ray machine.”

Payne said that just one among many security issues stemming from the videos has been that so many passengers are arriving at the checkpoints dressed from head to toe in blue body paint that the TSA agents, who do have loved ones to go home to, are hesitant to do anywhere near the number of pat-downs they normally would.

“Worst of all,” Payne said, “is that everybody thinks they are a comedian, which wouldn’t be so bad, except that far too many people, as they go through the x-ray machines, are starting their routine with, ‘This one will kill you.’ And when we hear the word kill we have procedures we have to follow, which just slows everything down that much more.”