Travelers Once Again Face Possibility of Really Great Walls

Humpty Dumpty sitting on really great wall.
John Tenniel illustration

 

With the approach of the 2024 presidential elections, really great walls may once again take on an increasing role in the plans of many people traveling to and from the U.S.  But as the examples below illustrate, really great walls have long been a part of the travel experience.

BigStock/Severin.stalder Photo

The Really Great Wall of China

Stretching for some 5,500 miles, the remains of the Really Great Wall of China is an early example of how a massive barrier, many feet thick and even more high, is about as effective at keeping people on one side or the other as a stern lecture from a vice-principal is at keeping high school boys from spiking the punch at a homecoming dance.

The problem is that even at its staunchest, the Really Great Wall of China had some 1,387 miles of gaps so porous that they are believed to have been responsible for the enormous success of Chinese takeout. No doubt the gaps were responsible, too, for the rise of such popular ice cream flavors as “Mongol Madness.”

The Really Great Wall of China was most successful as a massive infrastructure project. At its height, wall construction put millions of Chinese to work, whether they wished to be or not. Cost overruns were a problem though, largely because developers had not yet mastered working with such building materials as concrete and the excrement of bulls.

Today, the most visited part of the wall, because of its easy access to Beijing, is the Badaling section. According to many online reviews, though, after fighting the crowds and hassling with taxi drivers, visitors often come away feeling that it ought to be called the Just Ok Wall of China.

Really Great Berlin Wall
BigStock/Hanohki Photo

The Really Great Berlin Wall

From 1961 through 1989 the story surrounding the Great Berlin Wall was, according to leaders of the East German government, the biggest example of fake news ever reported.

With photos to back up their claim, East German leaders insisted that the Really Great Berlin Wall had in no way been a barrier to keep East Berlin citizens from escaping to the West. Instead, they said, the 27-mile long, 11.8-foot high concrete structure had been a really great example — probably one of the greatest examples ever – of government support of the arts.

The extent to which the Berlin government was willing to encourage artistic expression was made evident, officials said, by the 20 bunkers, 302 guard towers, and uncounted other measures erected to safeguard the artists against interference by fascist and other anti-socialist Western elements.

The Really Great Berlin Wall was demolished in 1990. But commemorative pieces are still for sale. In fact, some 3.6 tons of the original 2.5 tons of concrete used in the construction can currently be purchased on e-Bay. 

Humpty Dumpty Really great wall
John Tenniel Illustration

Humpty Dumpty’s Really Great Wall

Although parts of Humpty Dumpty’s Really Great Wall may still exist, the inspiration for the classic English nursery rhyme is a matter of dispute.

In Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There, Humpty is depicted as an egg. Or — a reader could infer — someone with an ego as fragile as an egg.

In other interpretations, the clearly wobbly character has been a stand-in for any number of kings and other powerful public figures who, because of their overreach, end up taking such a great fall that not even all their horses and all their political advisors can put them together again.

There’s even an interpretation that holds wide sway, especially among pro-growth supporters, that Humpty Dumpty was a cannon that sat atop the wall surrounding the town of Colchester, England, during the English Civil War of 1642-51. Part of the wall still exists, but the story is that return fire from opposing forces so undermined its structural integrity that without sufficient infrastructure funding most of it eventually came tumbling down.

Really Great Wall Street occupy
BigStock/Chris Cintron Photo

The Really Great Wall Street 

Among Americans who don’t get their news from traditional outlets, Wall Street is perhaps best known for its history of standing up to occupiers and other foreigners.

What many people don’t know, however, is that Wall Street is actually named after a really great wall, one built to keep out pirates, Native Americans, non-European Union members, and, according to some sources, radical Islamic terrorists.

The original wall was a wooden palisade built at the south end of Manhattan by the Dutch in the 1600s. Fortunately for much of America’s current population, it did not serve as a barrier for immigrants of British stock, who were able to get visa waivers. 

Really Great Wall Mart parking lot view.
Wiki.southark.cc.com Illustration

The Really Great Wall-Mart

Wall-Mart is a really great American-owned retail store featured in an episode of the public affairs program South Park. The episode looks at what could happen in America if addiction treatment is not part of basic health care coverage.

The premise of the episode is that almost everyone in a futuristic version of South Park is so addicted to Wall-Mart’s bargain prices that they stop shopping at other South Park businesses, and the town falls into ruins. It becomes such an untenable place to live that a growing number of people dream of finding a better life to the north, if they can only make it beyond the newly constructed Great Wall of Canada.

 

Travel humor writer Bob Payne has a piece of the Berlin Wall that he will sell for the right price. 

16 of the World’s Worst Travel Companions

Hannibal crossing Alps with elephants

 

 

Have you ever discovered, as the flight attendants are checking seatbelts one last time before departure, that you will be spending the next five hours sitting next to someone who is convinced you want to know how a barometer works? Don’t complain. Here are a few travel companions who have proven far more annoying.

Hannibal — Laid-back pets can ease a traveler’s anxieties. But an emotional support elephant?

Timothy Leary — Only wants to travel in the high season.

Christopher Columbus — Terrible sense of direction.

DB Cooper — Always trying to skip out on the tab.

Santa Claus — A Jolly companion, but insists on pushing through the night, even if it’s foggy out.

Ancient Mariner — Once, no horizon was too far, but now he is only interested in the distance to the next restroom.

Dorothy — Just because you are not in Kansas anymore is no reason to act like a college student on spring break.

Huckleberry Finn — For the length of the Mississippi, he talks about how next time he is doing it on a cruise ship.

Captain Kirk — If you insist on somebody beaming you up at the first sign of discomfort, you are not a traveler but a tourist.

Johnny Cash — Maybe you’ve been everywhere, man. But checking Reno, Chicago, Fargo, and Wichita off your bucket list is not how you get to know places.

Marco Polo — Travels all the way to China and learns nothing except for a game that kids play in the swimming pool.

Peter Minuet — It’s bad enough to brag about driving a hard bargain with starving souvenir sellers. But $24 for Manhattan is criminal.

Jack Kerouac — After days of riding across America with the author of On the Road, a young wanderer of the 1950’s might be forgiven for lamenting that it was not yet possible to call for an Uber.

Robinson Crusoe — He talks on and on about adventures with his companion, Friday. But in truth he is only a weekend traveler.

Sir Edmund Hillary — You’d think that at least once in a while he’d make base camp at a beach resort.

Freddy Kruger — If only he just wouldn’t compare everywhere in the world to Elm Street.

 

Travel humor writer Bob Payne travels only with imaginary friends. 

7 things every visitor needs to know about Mount Everest

Mount Everest

 

At 29,035 feet, Mount Everest consistently ranks as the world’s top tourist attraction.

Except during the April and May climbing season, when the line at the Starbucks on the way to the base camp often winds out the door, crowds are seldom a problem at Mount Everest. And to escape them even in season it is often necessary only to climb above 26,000 feet, into what is helpfully described as the Death Zone.

Spring and Fall are the most popular times to visit, but in November through February cooling breezes of up to 200 mph make Mount Everest an offseason-delight for all who can manage to hold on.

No matter the season, inexpensive parking is always available, as is accommodation. Although the best of the accommodation, with some of the most awesome rooms-with-a-view on the planet, requires hanging tethered to a sheer rock face. Nor is this accommodation recommended for older men who need to get up frequently during the night.”

Local sites of interest include the last resting places, or assumed last resting places, of the more than 200 deceased climbers whose bodies remain on the mountain.

The most common hazard when climbing Mount Everest is to slip on the excrement of other hikers, which will all too often result in a tumble off the mountain via what might be called a poop chute. 

For visitors looking for activities other than climbing, wildlife viewing includes up to ten species of ants and the occasional yak, the latter best admired from the uphill side.

For a suitable tip, the locals on Mount Everest are often happy to help you get all the way to the top, and, for an even more suitable tip, back down again.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne is an enthusiastic social climber.  

7 things every visitor needs to know about Florida

Palm-trees-south-beach-florida

Miami is so welcoming to out of state visitors that many stores post signs reading “Nosotros hablamos ingles.”

Because Florida was underwater during the Mesozoic era, the state’s only evidence of dinosaurs are the fossils most commonly found on weekday afternoons at Hooters restaurants.

South Florida may have the Everglades and Central Florida may have Disney World and the Kennedy Space Center. But only West Florida has the Flora-Bama Mullet Toss, an annual event in which contestants see how far they can throw a dead fish across the state line into Alabama.

Florida is so culturally and religiously tolerant that visiting Amish and Mennonite worshipers share, at the Sarasota community of Pinecraft, the same beach resort.

The Florida manatee, from which the legend of the mermaid arose, is still sometimes used to determine if a sailor has been too long at sea.

Florida’s Stand Your Ground law is not meant to be used while waiting in line at a take-out restaurant that offers fried alligator.

Some experts believe it is possible, depending on what happens with climate change, that by 2050 Florida could be covered entirely in golf courses.

BobCarriesOn Humor Editor Bob Payne saw his first Florida manatee at a very vulnerable time in his life.

7 things every visitor needs to know about New York City

New-York-taxi-

More than 800 languages are spoken in New York City, most of them only by taxi drivers.

If you don’t want people to think you are a tourist, don’t wait for the Walk sign.

New York City is home to 600,000 dogs, most serving the sole purpose of providing a conversation starter for desperate singles walking in Central Park.

When New Yorkers speak of “Our men in uniform,” they are referring to doormen.

If a New York City pedestrian makes eye contact, they are about to snatch your sunglasses.

Many of the places your guidebook will direct you to are now a Duane Reade drugstore.

If someone attempts to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge, it is acceptable to start negotiating at half the asking price.

While driving in New York City, BobCarriesOn Humor Editor Bob Payne has never intentionally run over a bicycle messenger.

 

Hidden cameras make hotel guests more likely to smile, attend to personal appearance

woman standing in front of hidden camera in bathroom mirror

First, it was a growing number of reports that hidden cameras are being used to spy on hotel guests. And now a recent survey finds that the possibility of unauthorized surveillance increases the concern guests have for their in-room personal appearance, especially hair and makeup.

Hotel security specialist Bob Payne, who insists he has seldom installed hidden cameras in a hotel room himself, and then only for his own personal use, said the possibility of secret video recordings prompted more than 68 % of surveyed hotel guests to admit that they routinely put on a smile and give themselves at least a quick look in the mirror before getting close to an alarm clock, smoke detector, or any other device that hidden cameras might be concealed in.

The reason for the concern, according to Payne, is the assumption that most hidden camera footage will find its way to the Internet. And that raises fears among guests that being caught online in an unguarded moment could hurt their social media standing on such sites as Facebook, Instagram, and Ashley Madison.

“Who wants to have thousands of followers watch you spit toothpaste into a bowl, unless of course you hope to become an online influencer for that particular brand of toothpaste, such as Aquafresh,  said Payne, adding that he is sometimes compensated for products he mentions online.

When not consulting about hidden cameras for some of the world’s most litigated-against hotel chains, Bob Payne is the editor in chief at BobCarrieson.com, a travel humor and satire site that has been sharing accurate travel news and advice since before Columbus landed at Plymouth Rock.

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