Allegiant Air says newest airline fees are meant to prompt jokes

In the newest round of add-on airline fees, the low-cost carrier Allegiant Air said earlier this week that it is replacing all its in-flight announcements with open-mike sessions performed by passengers, who will be charged for the service.

“Research shows that these are add-on airline fees passengers are actually eager to embrace,” said Bob Payne, Director of Standup for Allegiant Air Customer Service.

The fees will range from $25 for each knock-knock joke ending with “Orange you going to stop that kid from kicking my seat? to $100 for any comedy routine mentioning the words “air rage,” “shoe bomber,” or “stewardess.”

The airline spokesman said demand had been overwhelming. “Even co-pilots, who might have otherwise had to wait 20 years before getting an opportunity to key a microphone, are signing up for the service.”

“Several junior flight crewmembers have already paid $150 per session in order to begin with, ‘Three airline captains walk into a bar,” Payne said.

Response was equally quick from other low-cost carriers, with Spirit Airlines, in an attempt to outdo its archrival, announcing an open mike performance for Caitlyn Jenner look-alikes, for which there would be a $300 change fee.

In related news, Amtrak has announced that it, too, will institute open-mike sessions, although to insure the comfort of all its passengers the service will be limited to mime acts.

When not working with Allegiant Air, travel humor writer Bob Payne serves as the Pre-Owned Vehicle Tourism Editor for BobCarriesOn.Com.

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A toddler shares 10 tips for airline travel

Mu;bicolored wooden toy airplane

Grownups, which according to most toddlers is anyone over ten years old, are often no longer capable of enjoying the pleasures of airline travel. No joy for them in kicking the seat in front of you or seeing how far you can throw a juice box. As a result, grownups have very little to teach toddlers about flying, which may be why the two groups of travelers are often so unsettled around each other. That’s why we are presenting these ten tips for airline travel from an actual toddler, based on a lifetime of experience, which is to say 17 months.

 

Getting acquainted during boarding

As you make way your way down the aisle, offer a handful of Cheerios and a smile to every seated passenger, making note of those who do no respond, should it later become necessary to vomit on someone.

Choosing a special toy

A special toy can be anything – a wooden truck, an electronic game that beeps, and beeps, and beeps, or a tiny stuffed animal that can snuggle comfortably into a less-than-vigilant passenger’s red wine glass. What’s important is that when you want the toy, preferably while the flight attendants are urging everyone to take their seats, one of your parents has just packed it into a carry-on bag and stowed it in the only available overhead bin, twelve rows back from yours.

Snack selection

Soft snacks are best because if you lose interest before you are finished you can use them for early attempts to write your name on the armrest that would otherwise have been occupied by the lady sitting next to you.

If your father claims he couldn’t get seats together

Accept this for what it is: an indication that he’ll probably be out of your life by the time you are ten. However, if another man who isn’t too stinky is sitting next to your mother, there’s nothing wrong with being proactive by allowing her to pretend she doesn’t know you.

Best time to insist on going potty

Right after the seatbelt sign illuminates is ideal, as this will focus maximum attention on the fact that you know how to use a big-person potty. If you are told that you will have to wait, like big people do, one useful way of passing the time is to see if you can stand up on your tray table.

Visiting with other passengers

The best way to meet people in flight is by tottering down the aisle, from armrest to armrest, as if your walking skills are even less developed than they are. If the aisle is also occupied by the drinks cart this can be very entertaining, except to the flight attendants, who will scold you in a manner they usually reserve for grownups. Stand your ground, though, perhaps gathering courage by reminding yourself you are dealing with someone whose annual starting salary was less than $19,000. If that fails, and you must retreat, do it in as dignified a manner as possible, by observing in a voice that’s calm but capable of carrying for at least six or eight rows, “The flight attendant made a stinky.”

Clothing options

The two clothing options are on and off. Use the latter if other forms of entertainment, such as repeatedly pushing the call button, are losing their appeal, or if during preparations for landing no one is paying you the attention life has given you to expect.

Coping with earaches

As painful as earaches can be, there is often nothing you can do about them, except to find some kind of distraction, such as pulling the hair of the passenger in front of you. 

If the captain makes an unscheduled stop to remove your family from the plane

This is a moment you will want to help your parents remember for a long time, making it a perfect opportunity to surreptitiously kick off a shoe.

If a grownup has a breakdown in flight and you are implicated

Smile and offer a handful of Cheerios to all involved.

If the TSA could only perform, like they do in Tahiti

Welcome at Tahiti airport

After arriving in Tahiti recently for my fifteenth or so visit, (he said, trying to keep as modest a tone as possible) I was reminded once again that traveling doesn’t necessarily have to be the cruel and not so unusual punishment we have come to expect.

I was flying Air Tahiti Nui, and even in economy, with enough leg-room and enough in-seat movies so that I didn’t have to resort to watching the Gangster Squad in French, it was – in relative terms – a pleasant enough flight.

What was most pleasing about getting there, though, was that meeting us as we entered Tahiti’s terminal, just as there had been for every one of my other flights, was a woman presenting each arrival with a flower, and a couple of local guys, dressed in brightly colored traditional outfits, serenading us with guitar and ukulele.

How much nicer travel would be, I thought, if someone, perhaps TSA agents needing a little overtime, would meet us in a similar manner when we arrived at LAX, or JFK, or Miami.

How hard would it be to arrange? After all, if they used TSA agents, security clearance for the performers wouldn’t be an issue. And with the lack of common sense so many of the agents exhibit, you just have to believe that many of them are already musicians.

And this would be America going to work. So you’d think they’d be able to put together an even more extravagant, and memorable, performance than some little place like Tahiti, who has nothing more to draw from financially than the ever-dwindling resources of France.

Can’t you see it? A Latin beat as you enter Miami. Jazz welcoming you to New Orleans. A cacophony of car horns for New York.

My only fear? That the TSA-staffed program would have women handing out flowers, too – as they barked: “Married. Behind your left ear. Single. Behind your right ear. Looking forward to a cavity search. Behind both.” — Bob Payne

Long-time editor-in-chief of the travel humor site BobCarriesOn.com, Bob Payne was recently appointed as a consultant to the TSA’s performing arts program.

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