Bob Payne - BobCarriesOn

October 8, 2012October 18, 2012

Chickens, cattle, pigs, extremely agitated over testing of airline bio-fuels based on animal fat

As airlines look for ways to reduce the environmental impact of jet fuel, livestock around the world are becoming increasingly concerned that they may be the answer.

“We knew pigs would eventually fly,” an activist for the affected animals said. “But we never imagined it would be in the fuel tank of an Airbus.”

In fact, animal-fat fired jet engines are already a reality. Some airlines, aiming to reduce their carbon footprint by up to ten percent, have conducted experimental flights using bio-fuels based on the fatty waste of meat and poultry production.

“With the exception of a higher than usual number of complaints about chicken feathers in the cabin, passengers haven’t even noticed,” one airline spokesman said.

But the animals have certainly been paying attention. Across a broad political spectrum, they are beginning to fight back. Some have joined the ranks of those campaigning for increased use of wind and solar energy, while others have been seen in the halls of Congress on behalf of the coal and oil industries.

A particularly bellicose group of bulls, who between them probably weigh in with enough lard to get a 767 from New York to Los Angeles, have even suggested looking farther down the food chain, toward algae “and other pond scum,” which, it might be noted, have excellent bio-fuel potential but relatively little lobbying power.

There have been some upsides to the concern animals are feeling
over the bio-fuel issue, among them a new willingness to shed excess body fat by attending aerobics classes on a more regular basis.

“We are helping ourselves, and the petro-chemical companies, which is a win-win, from my point of view,” said a relatively trim-looking porker who was grunting his way through a workout on an elliptical trainer at a fashionable gym on New York’s Upper East Side.

The only affected animals who have showed no concern are the sheep, who throughout the crisis have acted like sheep, some even continuing to fly coach.

October 6, 2012October 20, 2012

Not exactly Everest — a climber’s guide to Mount Monadnock

Although I’ve hiked all over the world, on occasion for weeks at a time, I’ve never been much of a climber, a fall off a cliff when I was a child probably having something to do with it. In fact, as much as I’ve done in one go may have been New Hampshire’s Mount Monadnock, which when I lived in Boston I climbed once a year to test my general level of fitness by how long it took me to reach the top, and remained entirely unembarrassed that someone had once summited in a snow mobile. Except for a few cultural references, nothing about the story that follows has changed from when I wrote it in 1991. Nor has Mount Monadnock changed much, either. The only difference is my inability to remember where it was published. The Boston Globe, possibly, or Outside magazine. Anybody?

At 3,165 feet, Mount Monadnock, in the southwest corner of New Hampshire, is not exactly the Mount Everest of America. In fact, it’s not even the Mount Everest of New Hampshire. Dozens of peaks in that state are higher. And its balding dome is so easily accessibly by just about all but the bed-ridden that an estimated 125,000 people a year scale it, earning it the dubious distinction of being the most climbed mountain in America. But to ignore Monadnock in favor of more lofty, less democratic, peaks is as serious an omission as to claim an understanding of the performing arts in America without being able to describe a favorite scene from the Jackass reality series.

Climb any of the peaks in New Hampshire’s justly famous White Mountains and what you can see, for the most part, are other peaks. Climb Mount Monadnock, which stands isolated like a naughty boy in the corner of a schoolroom, and what you can see is just about all of New England. That’s partly why it’s listed in the National Register of Natural Landmarks. And that’s partly why it’s always gotten such good press, even from such literary heavies as Thoreau and Emerson, who promoted it almost as enthusiastically as that little green lizard promotes Geico.

Because downtown Boston is only about 60 miles away, and because no camping is allowed on the mountain except at the state park campground at its base, climbing Monadnock is for most people a day trip. You can climb one of the major trails to the summit, claim you can see everything from the Hancock Tower in Boston to the pyramids in Egypt, then climb down the same way you came up. It takes a couple of hours. And if you are like a lot of other people, the chief joy you’ll get out of it, other than the view, is the descent, which on a pleasant Saturday or Sunday in the spring or fall can give you several thousand opportunities to answer condescendingly when asked by the huffing masses still on the way up how much farther it is to the top.
To turn Monadnock into a climbing adventure, give it the weekend it deserves. Drive up early in the morning from Boston or spend the night at one of the Monadnock Region’s campgrounds or country inns. Hike up Monadnock’s wooded slopes to its bare-rock summit, then down the other side to another campground or inn. The next day, hike your way back, following the network of little-used secondary and connecting trails. Along that route you will still occasionally see other hikers off in the distance, streaming along the main trails like ants after sugar. But about the only ones you’ll come face to face with are the few fellow seekers of the road less taken, and the few (slightly more numerous than the former group) who are lost. In the case of those who are lost, you can experience the enormous pleasure of becoming a hero simply by sending somebody in a direction you yourself don’t intend to go.

You can climb Mount Monadnock any time of the year. But even during the most popular times, spring and fall, you’ve got to keep an eye on the weather. Storms can make up quickly, and the dangers of exposure, especially on the bare rock of the summit, are real. Come prepared to dress like Santa.

Monadnock is certainly not Everest. It doesn’t allow you the experiences that belong only to the mountain climbing elite — fighting altitude sickness, dangling by your pitons above eternity, and posing for gear ads. But its a pretty good bet that few superstars of climbing, while standing at a mountain’s summit, have ever brought joy to a trio of ill-prepared but not unattractive young ladies simply by offering them the gift of bottled water.

October 5, 2012November 26, 2012

Feeling pressure of new tourism realities, Caribbean nations begin teaching parrots to speak Chinese

With reports showing that the Chinese now rank among the world’s most frequently traveled and biggest spending tourists, the Caribbean Tourism Organization (CT0) has announced a bold new initiative aimed at capturing a lucrative share of that market. Nations throughout the Caribbean have begun teaching parrots the Chinese for such useful phrases as “Polly want a spring roll?”

“This has the potential to be even more successful than our campaign to attract cruise ship visitors,” said a CTO spokesperson during an unveiling ceremony which was marred only slightly when one of the parrots on display performed an act of amputation on the Prime Minister of Barbados, who had been warned not to stick his finger in the cage.

“As studies show, the Chinese far outspend cruise ship visitors,” the spokesperson said, adding that so did parrots, for that matter.

Despite its potential for success, early testing of the program has indicated there are a number of challenges to overcome, mostly relating to cultural misunderstandings.

“The major difficulty,” the spokesperson said, “has been getting the Chinese to accept that the parrots are not being offered as a menu item.”

October 2, 2012October 13, 2012

How do you know if a restaurant serves tipic food?

You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, especially now that so many books are delivered electronically, which means they don’t actually have covers. But when looking for typical food in a foreign country, you can judge a restaurant by the sign out front. Here’s an example of how it works in the Portuguese capital of Lisbon:

The grammatical correctness and lack of misspellings suggests the proprietors of this restaurant know too much about English to be truly well versed in the local cuisine. Look for owners who probably spent time in Britain or the U.S., and look elsewhere for an authentic meal.

A non-standard word order (to the English ear) and a word that, while understandable, may not appear in any language, is a step in the right direction, especially if there are no photos of the food posted out front.

Promising a local experience in the language of the country is a very positive sign, although the fact that they have to label it typical at all might give you some pause for thought. This does require the ability to recognize the word for food in the local language – or that a group of tables with place-setting on them signify a restaurant.

The real find, of course, is a restaurant with no sign out front, just a hand-written menu taped to the window – even if one of the menu items appears to be a hamburger.

Which brings us to what in just about everywhere in the world, is the most typical food of all.

September 30, 2012October 13, 2012

Obama, Romney debate row versus wade, other cruise-travel issues

The Obama-Romney presidential debates will no doubt affect the outcome of the November election and help determine the direction of America for the next four years. But the travel humor site BobCarriesOn.com, building on its reputation for being out in front of politically-related travel news since before Washington crossed the Potomac, was able to get both men together earlier in the year for a lively discussion on issues of even more importance to many of us – issues that effect cruise travel.

To show how much the two candidates are in touch with the pulse of the American voter, the meeting took place aboard a new Italian cruise ship, the MSC Divina, which was on its maiden voyage from St. Nazaire in France through the Straits of Gibraltar to Marseille, where it would be christened before beginning a season of Mediterranean itineraries. In virtual form, Obama and Romney appeared aboard the ship as guests of the humor website’s Chief White House Correspondent, Bob Payne, who has known both men since their college days, when the three of them may or may not have been held for questioning at the U.S. border following an attempt to sneak an undocumented Irish setter into the country by strapping it to the top of a wood-paneled station wagon.

Romney accepted the invitation, according to Payne, because he felt he would be able to count it as foreign policy experience, and Obama agreed to participate in the hope he could be Photoshopped into images of the christening in such a manner that it looked as if the crowd was cheering for him.

For much of the cruise, the candidates prepped for the debate and spent time getting to know each other in a way not usually possible on the campaign trail, in large part because a shortfall in the BobCarriesOn.com travel budget made it necessary for the two men to share a cabin.

Despite the forced intimacy, the president and the former governor got along surprisingly well. Romney only once made an unkind remark when, after Obama found himself suffering from a slight touch of sea-sickness off the coast of Spain, the Republican hopeful could not help from commenting “Now that’s what I call a green president.” And Obama could not let a similar opportunity go by when, after Romney went pale during a poolside session with the Divina’s activities staff, the president said, “They are going to personally introduce us to water sliding, Mitt, not water boarding.”

The debate itself was held on the one day the Divina spent entirely at sea so that neither candidate would have to miss an opportunity for shore-side bus rides. The event was held at the ship’s pool, allowing debate attendees to multitask. Here is a glimpse at how it went:

BCO: Imagine that the brand new Divina is far out in the Atlantic, and despite the best efforts of a shipyard workforce that spends 35 hours a week on the job, gets seven weeks of paid vacation, and retires early, the 3,502-passenger ship is leaking, and in danger of sinking. Would you allow it to be bailed out?

Obama: As a civilized society, we have a moral obligation to help out any sinking ship, at almost any cost. In return, of course, a government agency would need to take over at least 60 percent ownership, and the folks on board would have to do at least some of the bailing themselves.

Romney: Are those shipyard workers unionized?

BCO: Assume the ship is anchored in shallow water just off the French coast. You want to go ashore, but you know the news cameras are focused on you, and you know how touchy Europeans can be about environmental issues. So you want to depart in what appears to be the most earth-friendly way possible. Give us an argument for Row versus Wade.

Obama: The type of departure, or arrival, is not what’s important. What’s important is that every cruise passenger, whether paying full price for a superior ocean-view balcony suite or getting up to 82% off for an interior cabin somewhere down in the bowels of the ship, should have the freedom of choice. And it should be a private choice, between no one but the passenger and the person on the other end of the 800 line.

Romney: What Mr. Obama doesn’t tell you is that I had the same position he does. Until I changed it.

BCO: In their promotional literature, the Italian company that owns the Divina uses the phrase “We’ve taken care of everything for you.” As you know, that includes accommodation, dining, entertainment, fitness, relaxation, and transfers, all for one price. Does that kind of European-style social welfare have a place on a cruise ship?

Obama: Around the White House we don’t think of it as European-style social welfare. We think of it as providing the kind of necessary infrastructure and services folks will remember, especially at election time.

Romney: Even transfers?

BCO: One of the features of the Divina is the MSC Yacht Club, the exclusive area of the ship where we are and where your deluxe cabin is. On occasion, however, passengers who are not Yacht Club members have been seen slipping into the Yacht Club and even availing themselves of items from the desert tray during the afternoon tea service. Should some kind of barrier be built to keep them out?

Obama: I am opposed to any kind of barrier, because as experience has shown us, no matter how high, wide, or deep it is, folks will find a way around it whenever deserts are involved, especially that chocolate-dipped biscotti the crew has been putting out.

Romney: There are other passengers on the ship?

BCO: During one of the supervised activities at the Kids Club a child falls overboard. The ship could turn around to get him but it would mean having to cut short the shopping excursion planned for the next port. Based on that scenario, what are your views on “No child left behind.”?

Obama: When considering a question of this complexity it is critical to weigh all points of view before proceeding. How long would it take to turn the ship around? Are any special discounts being offered during the shopping excursion? How much would the cruise be enhanced for passengers who prefer not to see children on board?

Romney: In my family we were brought up to believe you leave no one behind. Even if you have to tie them to the roof.

September 29, 2012October 13, 2012

Up to here among the mud walkers of Holland

For someone up to his knees in mud, and sinking fast, the Dutch high school student seemed unusually adept at philosophizing. “Not windmills, not wooden shoes, but this, this primordial ooze, is the essence of the Netherlands,” he said.

With a grassy, sheep-dotted outer dike of the Dutch coast well to shoreward of us, with the barrier island that was our destination still hidden in the morning haze, and with me already deeper in the mud than the high school student, I had no trouble recognizing the merit of his argument — and suggesting that we ought to get moving.

The student and I, along with two dozen of his classmates, were among the tens of thousands of people who annually participate in a distinctly Dutch and distinctly odd activity known as mud walking.

Wadlopen, is the Dutch word for it. You put on an old pair of high-topped tennis shoes that you’ve deemed absolutely valueless for any other purpose. You meet at the appointed place with a licensed guide, who has checked the tide tables to make sure the skills required of you will not include the amphibious. Then you slosh forth across the Waddenzee, or shallow sea, on a journey of up to 12 miles, out to the Frisian Islands, that will test not only your endurance but also your ability to act as a responsible adult in the face of the overwhelming urge to play in the mud.

As a sport, mud walking has been around since just after World War II, when the coastal-dwelling Frisians, who up until then had ventured afoot onto the Waddenzee with about as much enthusiasm as the three little pigs would have attended a butcher’s convention, discovered that people would actually pay money to be lead through the muck.

“It confirmed for us what we already believed — that outsiders are a strange lot,” said one local man, whose only pedestrian venture beyond the dikes had been to retrieve a cow who was in danger of being lost at sea. “But the money helped with village improvements, such as rebuilding the church, so some of us were happy to oblige.”

The most active mud walking center is Pieterburen, a mainland village from which I set out for the island Engelsmanplaat. The walk is said to be the easiest island crossing, but not by me or — I presume — by anyone who has ever done it in company with a group of high school students who think that part of the exercise is to see if they can get even the adults to tumble face down at least once.

Actually, except for keeping an eye out for kamikaze attacks from the high school students, the walking wasn’t difficult. The thickest of the mud was adjacent to the shore, in an area that was a few hundred yards wide, and the biggest difficulty was getting up the courage to take the initial plunge into it.

Beyond the first mud flat, the going was mostly across hard sand in ankle deep water. Occasionally, however, we’d come to water-filled gullies, where our guide would wade in, sometimes chest deep, to show us the way across. The guide, Willem, a university student, said that if you don’t know what you are doing the dangers of mud walking are real enough. Sometimes there is fog to contend with. Sometimes there are swift-flowing gullies that can’t be crossed. Sometimes the mud flats, even though they are seldom more than knee deep, can wear down the endurance of even those who think themselves physically fit — as police and military units on training exercises have discovered.

On this day, though, a lovely if slightly hazy one near the beginning of the May to September wadlopen season, we had no problems beyond the minor ones associated with Willem’s constant need to remind some of the students, who were burdened with the competitive type of personality that compelled them to attempt to turn every physical endeavor into an athletic contest, that the rules of wadlopen required them to remain behind the guide.

For an hour or so we slopped and squished and stumbled. Most of us were soon coated with thick, black mud at least up to our thighs, with more of it liberally caked on hands, chins, cheeks, and — most commonly — rear ends. Those few who remained unacceptably pristine for too long were nudged, tripped, or — in one case — gang tackled, until they too came in line with the acceptable community standards of cleanliness.

On Engelsmanplaat, which a storm tide could have made disappear, we ate lunches we’d carried over in knapsacks, then walked back to the mainland. As we neared the shore, where the thickest of the mud flats were, I noticed that even one of the teachers seemed to be falling down and wallowing around a bit more than in most circumstances would have been considered acceptable adult behavior.

Back on solid ground, curious to know if coming in such close contact with the essence of their national soul had produced the same kind of thought-provoking effect on the other students as it had on the knee-deep philosopher, I asked some of them what they thought of their day on the Waddenzee.

“Wonderful,” one of them said, “especially since our other choice for a class project was to visit a museum in Amsterdam.”

A note from Bob: This is a condensed version of a story that first appeared in the January/February 1992 issue of Islands magazine, where for more than a decade I was a Contributing Editor, specializing in stories that kept me out of the U.S. Northeast in winter.